june - on love & mortality

"god, i don't know if you exist, but if you do... you've got me pissed!"

affection for those loved ones, passion for a craft, a fiery lust for life-all tethers, no matter how strong, seem to be met with the same fate in the end. it seems almost unjust how we're expected to graciously accept the fact that everything we love, everything we live for will one day be taken from us by force. far too many times have i witnessed firsthand somebody in my life begrudgingly accept everything they’ve worked so hard for all shamble in their own hands. death waits for no one. not the middle school girl who tried so hard to make it all work. not the father to three children fighting the voices in his head. not the grandmother left with nothing after decades of labor. not the girl about to start her new adult life in this harsh but exciting society.

if the world ended right now, at this exact moment, would i be fully content with the love i’ve given and experienced? would i be able to say that i’ve given just as much as they have? have i been intimate enough with life? have i shown enough love to those that i care for? have i enjoyed the little triumphs to the fullest? have i been enough? am i happy with my life?

there is not a day in my life where i don’t think about how unfair it all is. why is it that i have been “lucky” enough to keep enjoying the luxuries of life whilst the most beautiful souls i’ve known don’t have the opportunity to do so, not anymore? why is it me, who pathetically thinks about how undeserving i am, far less so than they were. i can’t stop thinking about how none of my thoughts, my words, my paintings, will remain once i’m met with the same fate. i know painfully well that this is the whole point, and yet my mind wanders towards those cynical thoughts.

i love cinema, i love literature, i love music, and i love the arts. i love these things because they make me cry. they make me miserable. they make me smile like a fool. they make me laugh like a maniac. they make me feel emotions that let me perceive that i am alive, animate, organic.

i love people. i love hearing them talk. i love recognizing different features on everyone that make them unique. i love seeing them act the same way in situations, no matter how different. i love seeing the beauty in everyone’s lives. it helps highlight the small joys in my own life.

i love taking walks. i love dying my hair. i love feeling the breeze. i love the smell of onions and garlic cooking. i love the little static zaps you get from touching your friends in the winter. i love laughing at the stupidest things with my friends. i love air conditioned buildings in the summer. i love leopard print tops. i love squeezing the living hell out of my big plush dolls. i love baking sourdough and making grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. i love the click clacking of my nails on my phone screen. i love extending my legs and feeling the muscles stretch out and relax. i love hugging people. i love having a sweet treat after a meal. i love spritzing my perfume before i leave the house. i love looking back at old photos. i love karaoke. i love getting notifications from people i love. i love to love. i love being loved.

many times i forget that this is actually the whole point. i know all too well that it all ends. sometimes it all ends way too soon. life speeds by in the blink of an eye. i don’t ever want to have regrets. i want to love with all my heart. i want to tell everyone i love that i cherish them. i want everyone to know my love for them at all times. i want to do things that make me happy. i want the people i love to be happy. i want to be happy. so i will love.

have an amazing july, everyone. tell the people in your life that you love them. experience everything. enjoy life.