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Those who have seen my profile and certain related blogs will know that me and my mom left my dad and moved to the UK. My dad has recently started texting me and my mom saying that he wants us to come back to him and claiming to be a changed man. My mom has just blocked him. Since she blocked him he has sent me endless text messages saying that even if I won’t come back to him he wants to “at least talk and be friends “. So far I have not replied to him. Part of me wants to believe that he’s changed and to talk to him but I feel wary and hesitant to trust him after all that he’s done. I really can’t make my mind up whether to talk to him or just block him and forget about him. I’m looking for opinions and advice.
Should I talk to my dad or just block him and forget about him?
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Clara of Spacehaze
I know it's your dad and you've recently let him back into your life, but in my experience with family blood means nothing.
I've never met your dad but he even scares me!
Do you think he would be accepting of your girlfriend if you were still in America? would he be kind to you if you were still over there ? I think you know the answer - especially if he was planning for you to have an even longer stay at that wilderness place where they treated you abominably. What he has put you and your Mum through all these years is unforgivable.
What he is now feeling is a sense of emptiness and loss - for the empowerment and self-importance it gave him; he's missing that control he had over you both. Please do Not fall for his veil of pretence; you've lived all those years in terror, and he'll say anything to lure you back into his life. He says he's a changed man - a leopard doesn't change its spots. A snake only sheds its skin to become an even bigger snake...
How long do you think it would be before he fell back into his old ways of controlling, violence and power driven ways? his prime intention now is to gain your trust and get you back over there. What he's done is pure evil; some people have no heart or are capable of love in the true sense of the word.
What I am curious about is his own upbringing - was he abused? did he have a rough life? - the psychology of that can go two ways. You can have gone through abuse and would never want your children to endure what you've gone through in life, or you can carry that cycle on...
Or maybe he was spoilt and had a great upbringing.
For the first time in your life you're free of fear, are happy, and can live a normal life. Personally I'd block him completely out of my life, but I'm not you. Is it worth giving him the benefit of the doubt? does he deserve that loyalty? risky.
What person would arrange for his Son to be kidnapped, knowing what that place would be like, then you living that unbearable trauma for 3 months.
How could he do that?
Ultimately it's your choice, but think long and hard about it. Instincts are often right :) <3
You have actually voiced alot of the uncertainties that have occurred to me. What if it’s all an elaborate pretence? What if I trusted him too much only to have my trust betrayed? But I also have uncertainty in the other direction. What if he’s genuinely changed and I don’t give him a chance? That’s why I am talking to him online but won’t see him in person. Online he is at a safe distance but still has the chance to show that he is changed. Before I would even consider seeing him in person I will first have to be a legal adult just so that I know he can’t send me to the wilderness program again.
I sometimes wish it was as clear and black and white for me as it is for my mom. My mom says that even if he changed so much that he became the nicest man in the world it would make no difference because it’s past the point where she could ever forgive him.(Maybe I’m just too soft hearted idk).
The kind of legalised kidnapping of teens to wilderness and residential programs that he put me through is actually quite common in America. Attempts to outlaw the practice have so far met with failure.
With regards to his own upbringing. From what I know his parents were neglectful rather than actively abusive and he was largely left to his own devices leaving him free to fall into bad company and learn bad ways. I do know that in his teenage years he spent some time in juvenile detention but I don’t actually know what for.
by feral boy Jamara; ; Report
Yes, I totally understand what you're saying about what if he HAS actually changed for the better; it did cross my mind of that slim chance.
Only being with him physically will prove that... but is that a risk you might want to take in the future? even when you become a legal adult and he can't send you to that Wilderness programme, who knows what he's capable of.
His past record says it all...
I know you'll be cautious and not let yourself get into any vulnerable situations. :)
To have this second chance at life - a safe life with no heartbreak or trauma, is such a gift! I feel for those who aren't so lucky...
I don't blame you for wanting to train in child psychology, to be able to help others in these horrendous situations.
It's unreal and shocking that legal kidnapping to these 'Programmes' are allowed and Lawful? there's a travesty of justice right there. So perverse and wrong. I hope it will be challenged and changed soon.
Regarding what you've said about your Dad's upbringing and background, I'm not surprised he ended up the way he has. Having balance and guidance in one's life is crucial in the early years. Perhaps he could do with, or should have had some kind of counselling and support, long ago - before it got to the stage of becoming a loose cannon, so to speak!
Anyway, I wish you well in your endeavours, and what ever you decide to do in the future :) <3
by Clara of Spacehaze; ; Report
be6the6anomaly6
Saying "let's be friends" to your child sounds like he's trying to negate his responsibilities as a parent; I hope your mom is getting child support from him, it is possible even while being in the UK. I'm not sure how much time has passed since he's hurt you, but unless it's been several years, don't be inclined to trust him. Healing from whatever's wrong with your father (if it's even possible) will take a long time. If you want to stay in contact with him that's your choice, but please set some firm boundaries. If he repeatedly violates them, I encourage you to go no-contact with him. Best of luck :)
Hi. I remember you because we talked briefly on one of your own blogs. I don’t know how much you know about my history and my dad’s behaviour. (It is actually mentioned on my profile and elaborated upon in some of my blogs). However,to summarise briefly. He has always treated me and my mom badly including domestic violence towards my mom. Earlier this year he had me forcibly taken to a twelve week wilderness program which was very abusive. (Among other bad experiences on the program I was refused first aid when I injured my knee). He was planning to have me snatched again and placed in a two year residential program (a program with a reputation for being abusive). It was to prevent this from happening that made my mom decide to leave America and move to the UK. (My mom is actually from the UK). Although,in theory my dad could seek to bring me back to America my mom has been told that living in the UK makes it almost impossible for him to do so due to the fact I have dual British and American citizenship which I qualify for due to my mom being a British citizen.
My dad now claims to have repented and become a born again Christian. (I don’t exclude that possibility because I am actually a Christian myself. I don’t mention my beliefs on my profile out of respect for the fact other people may have different beliefs just as important to them). Saying to me “let’s be friends”is actually enormous coming from him because he always treated me like I was a burden and an annoyance.
I fully get what you say about not trusting him and setting clear boundaries if I do talk to him. One thing I certainly won’t risk doing (for obvious reasons)would be to go to America to see him. (At least not until I’m a legal adult and can no longer be kidnapped into another TTI program). If I do decide to talk to him it will be strictly long distance by phone or online. (My mom has actually told me that is all she will allow. No meeting in person and no compromising on that).
At this point I am still undecided as to whether I will talk to him and give him a chance. You have certainly made some excellent points which I will give serious thought to. Other than that I can’t really think of anything else to say other than thank you for your wise words and sound advice.
by feral boy Jamara; ; Report
Yangicyna
I think that you should tell him to prove it. Not just once saying sth nice but overall he needs to be convincing and believable. He needs to know that you should take your time, it's not that easy for you also and he should understand that. His actions must speak for him, not just words
Remeber also that the emotions are different for your mom and you, even if you both may feel angry and dissapointed. He's your father, not partner, so you see him differently, though it doesn't mean that you have to agree on everything and be nice and engaging just because
Take your time, remeber to be strong!!!