BPD in examples

So I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll illustrate some points that can be difficult to conceptualize with real experiences I've had. It's going to be long as fuck. So pay attention to the section titles if you don't want to read the whole thing.

Also: I'm kinda lazy so I just took from the Wikipedia page, where all the source links are.

So, BPD typically manifests through nine distinct symptoms, with at least five required for a diagnosis:

1 - Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined emotional abandonment

Typically, when I was in conflict with a close one, no matter who was right, I used to let myself be walked over because I'd rather be a doormat than have them stop loving/appreciating me. I wrote an entire fanfic illustrating an abusive relationship I had, in which I was putting up with abuse purely out of fear of being abandoned by my partner.

2 - Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by a pattern of alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I oscillate constantly between loving my family to hating them to the point of almost casting them aside completely. It's called "splitting" and it's basically a failure of the mind to see the nuances or "shades of grey". The people around me will either be perceived as all good or all bad at every single one of their action and reaction.

3 - Disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image

In my case, the disturbance in identity presents as an uncertainty about who I am, my values, morals, beliefs, etc. As if I was falling in a whirlpool, once I start to doubt my tastes or opinions, I spiral until I'm in such distress that only physical pain can ground me.

My self-image is also impacted, as I can split on myself: I either see myself as someone good through and through, or someone so bad and evil salvation is impossible and even dying wouldn't atone for my sins. Hence, I go through frequent periods of intense self-hatred and self-love.

4 - Impulsive or reckless behaviours, including uncontrollable spending, unsafe sexual practices, substance use disorder, reckless driving, and binge eating.

In the span of only three years I blew almost 6000euros (7000 USD) in gacha games and around 2000 euros (2300 USD) in tattoos which I did in 3 months. I also struggled with alcoholism and eating disorders. I don't have a driving license, but I would recklessly walk at night in rather unsafe neighbourhoods despite what friends would say.

5 - Recurrent suicidal ideation and behaviours involving self-harm

In the past more than now, when faced with any sort or problem, my brain would take the route answer of suicide, even attempting a couple of times. I self-harmed for a couple of years on & off, and I'm not even completely clean yet. Because this is, so far, the only way I have to keep my emotions and my sense of self in check. Note that the ways I self-harm are not limited to just cutting, it's also food deprivation, over-exercise, unhealthy drinking habits and unhealthy sexual practice. Really, anything that hurts my self, as self-harm grammatically means.

6 - Rapidly shifting intense emotional dysregulation

Feeling things "too strongly" and "too long", sometimes even "overreacting" to something. My emotions control me as much as they hinder me. I will be upset for days about an interaction others will get over in half a day. If I get angry, for example, I need an entire day of isolation to calm down, or even more. Yet, at the same time, I can also be on a rollercoaster of emotions: one second I am scared and seeking reassurance, the next second I am incredibly angry before it snaps to self-hatred in just another second.

7 - Chronic feelings of emptiness

For as long as I can remember, I've always felt like I was a performer. I wasn't sad when I was expected to, I wasn't happy when I should have been. I always performed all of these emotions to make sure I wouldn't be outcasted. Especially when people were seeking comfort in me, I had a script and pre-planned emotional reactions ready. Because deep inside, I am constantly empty. 

8 - Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control

The French saying "voir rouge" (to see red) is more than fitting. In the past, I used to have violent urges towards the ones who had angered me. And it doesn't take much to anger me, either. If I'm initially annoyed by the few pedestrians walking slowly in front of me, if it persists I feel like I lose all my humanity and want to shove them aside while going off on them. When others might just gently shake their phone when its acting up, I have to hold myself back from smashing it against the floor or throwing it outside the window, I take the fact it's acting up as a personal offence where others would see it's just malfunctioning. Controlling my anger is a daily battle, and an exhausting one.

9 - Stress-related paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms

Paranoid ideation happened twice that I remember. The first time, locked in my room, I only ate delivery food while playing videogames and watching Arcane when it first came out. Seeing Jinx' paranoid thoughts resonated very deeply. I wasn't able to hang out with my friends, or face my roommate because I was convinced they were very discreetly manipulating me and wanted to make me pay for something. I was at such a low point that, like Jinx, I had no one to talk to. In a moment of lucidity, I got myself admitted in a psych ward.

As for dissociation, due to a traumatic past, I've been dissociating very often, if not for at least half of my life so far. At times, the world around me felt distant, as if I was looking at it through a glass. As if someone had unplugged my consciousness and only my body remained, going through daily life without a mind.

And here you go.