backstabbed

I thought it'd hurt more to feel backstabbed by nearly all of my friends. I guess it doesn't hurt that much because deep inside it's something I've always expected. They don't hate me, but they all care more about themselves, or about other people. It's not the first time I've been the only one left behind, this is a feeling I'm quite used to. It's painful to know the people you trusted don't care about you like you cared about them, but that's fine. In the end, it doesn't matter. You realize who your real friends are after they hurt you, and even though it is painful, the truth is, it's nowhere near close to the pain I've felt. Is the pain less or did my skin grow thicker? I don't know, honestly. At least I know I've got (at least) two good friends who actually care, and my family will always support me. I'm content with that. 

It hurts that you didn't even think about me. You sent me a long message that I don't want to read yet. I've been thinking about you every day for a while now, and now I'm not sure about my feelings. Well, the truth is this just solidifies what I've always known. 

lately i’ve been into fictional stories like the ones about me and you being happy. they’ve gotta be science fiction cause how else can you have a monster fall in love with a girl with no heart? actually i’m pretty sure you have a heart, but i’m just as certain it’ll never be mine.

I've always known our story parallels theirs. And I know how it ends. I know who gets hurt and who doesn't, and I've always been willing to take the pain. But the truth is, it's even worse, because we haven't even been together, and we never will. I'm certain of this. I can only dream of holding you, because you'd never let me. Who would want to be held by a monster like me? After all, someone like me was made to rot and hide away in a cave, alone, forever. That's why I can't count on anyone, that's why everyone betrays me in the end. I can try to get out and act normal, behave normal. But I'm different from everyone else, different from you, different from them. And someone who is so different, is bound to end up hurt by others. You've hurt me. You've all hurt me. I guess I was right after all. I'm always going to be the one left behind, the one no one cares about. That's just how my story ends. 

I'll find my own way and reach the peak on my own. My journey is a lonely one. No one can walk by my side, as my path has been laid out only for me. 

It was foolish of me to even dream of you walking by my side. 

You'll never care about me like I care about you. It's about time I accept this. 

I'll never hate you. But it does hurt to know this, to have factual evidence of your carelessness. I thought we were friends. What am I to you? A stupid loser you can hang out with, and then forget about? I think about you so often, and you couldn't even think about me in such an important moment. I feel so stupid and pathetic. I even gave you money because I wanted us to go together so, so bad. But now we won't, and I lost money because I'm just so fucking stupid. I'm not asking for it back, it was my fault, my bad. I should've let you follow your path instead of trying to force us to be together. 

It was my fault for being fucking stupid. Sorry. Well, good for you. You made it alone, so just forget about me and go alone. I can see that this never meant so much to you as it did to me, and it was my own fault for thinking so. I hope you have fun without me. Honestly I don't. I hope you have a shitty time and feel like shit, I hope you feel as bad as you made me feel (that's really bad). There's no point in pretending. I'm not the bigger person. I hope y'all can't make it. None of you deserve to call yourselves my friend after today. (This is a lie. There's 2 people that have earned it). Definitely not you though. What you said right after only hurt me more. Why would you even say that? Adding salt into the wound? Fuck off. I always knew you'd never love me, but I didn't think you'd actively hurt me. Sometimes I wonder if you've been trying to. 

You could at least have the mercy to twist a knife into my heart and and this pain. But you don't care about me enough to do that. 

It's about time I understood how little you care about me.