28 | lost at sea

The more i go to work, stare at a computer, and go to meetings, the more I dislike life a little more. I thought at 22 I'm supposed to be in my "fun career baddie" era, but it all feels so mundane and useless. 

Everyone in my life is pretty dull, except this one friend i've known since middle school. She is the one who inspired me to get into sugaring. 

Everyday I think about how I could be doing a job i enjoy or travelling around Asia, but I just sit on my ass for 8 hours a day and plan those trips without them coming into fruition. 

I've watched so many videos and TV shows in the past 3 months than i every have in my life. 

I miss learning. I miss waking up for a 9am class and sitting there. I didnt talk much to my classmates but they all seemed to like me. I was the quiet one who made little quips once in a while. and when i had class with my best friend, we'd giggle at every small thing and catch eachothers eyes when the professor said something stupid or funny. 

It all ended so abruptly. like the rug was pulled from under me. one minute I was on exchange in South Korea, clubbing and going to tourist areas, and the next im sitting in a chair, constantly refreshing my gmail and playing with google sheets. I hate it.

Everything is changing, twisting and turning around me and there isnt a handlebar to keep me from getting dizzy. I feel sick, mentally and physically. 

this is what 3 months of work has done to me.

And i cant complain. I'm not allowed to complain because my job is "easier" or because "at least I get to sit down all day" or "at least i get paid $xx/hr". I have to smile and be happy, but the weight of this monotony is weighing my smile down. 

nobody in my life is permanent, im okay with that. I've lost many friends in my life, but that doesn't make it easier each time it happens. its like pushing a boulder up a steep hill with someone, then they just decide to turn around and go back home. 

i think my childhood friend might be getting married in august, but i havent heard anything since she told me she was engaged. 

im stranded on the highway and everything is passing me by. life, marriage, money, people. its all fleeting. 

this week i had to come to terms with the fact that my dreams are just dreams, and nothing else. they wont come true. reality interrupts everything and you wake up. 

the way my brain is wired, life ends at 30. I cant see myself past that. and not is a grim way per se, but when i imagine my future, its me at 25, not me at 50. I'm starting to think this is a sign from God that my world is ending when im 30. i have to learn to accept that. i have 8 years left and in that time, I will probably still be sitting on my ass for 8 hours in this bumfuck town.

i might be going to chicago to meet up with a stranger. i dont know how old he is, his name, or what he even does. at least not for now. But it might add some feeling back into my life; doing things that could probably get me killed. lets just say he has money and isnt scared to spend it. im not a SW so we aint doing the nasty, but it'll be like a high end date (hopefully). but uh if you dont hear from me, you know why