some kinda dilemma [2/?]

i don't feel like enough of a girl. i don't think of myself as a particularly insecure person. maybe not in the usual sense. i don't think i'm ugly. i don't hate my body. i'm comfortable in it most times. but i guess i'm more insecure about how much i like being myself. i think putting up a facade is tiring. if i feel miserable, i'll look as miserable as i feel. if i'm in a good mood, i'll make an effort to look nice. i like the way i dress. i've been told that i have good style, and i'm not afraid to say i think it's true.

but i don't dress like the people around me. i'm not radically different in any way, but i'm not a trend chaser and i'm not into branded things. i just. don't dress like the girls around me. in fact, i hate dressing the way other people do. i'd say i have a sort of superiority complex about the things i'm into. but i can't help it; i don't know many people who share the same interests and outlooks on life and the world. i'm comfortable in my own skin in a way that not many other girls are.

all this is to say, i don't think anyone finds me particularly attractive. especially guys. i think men like a girl who looks like they need to be saved. or to make them feel needed. i don't give that vibe. i'm not saying i want to, at all. i never want to be seen as weak like that. or vulnerable. but i admire girls who aren't afraid to show that side of themselves to men. and it works in their favour. i could never do that. it just comes off as anger.

my group of friends that i see regularly are a bunch of incredibly privileged middle-to-upper class kids who are a good time and really wonderful people. but i can't seem to connect with them on an intellectual or to some extent, even emotional level. they're all incredibly straight. i feel like an imposter among them most of the time. the way i feel about myself or others doesn't always align with the way they do. i love being in their company, but i can't help but feel left out a lot of the time. i appreciate them, but i feel like i can never be who i really am around them. i like the things they do, and i do confide in them sometimes. we do all the things close friends do, and we talk about things that would warrant me calling them close friends. but there's always something missing.

i feel like less of a girl around the girls in my friend group. they're all brilliant, and bright and easy to approach. i don't feel that way. not because i'm a gloom. but i'm nowhere near as social, nor do i care to be. i speak only when spoken to. which, when i'm out with my straight girl friends is not often. i never miss the way a guy ignores me when they're introducing themelves to a group. or even if they do speak to me, their attention is on my friends most of the time and they can barely remember my name. i don't speak much in big groups, i just laugh along and add on to a joke. i feel kinda like a cloud sometimes.

it's really exhausting being an adult and still feeling this way. and it's not work, because work is all about pretending. funnily enough, i feel more real around the people who i work with, seeing as how we're all working in a job that requires us to care deeply about the things we do.

as such, i'm a firm believer in having different friends for different purposes. i'm glad i have that. it's what keeps me afloat. i've got straight friends for weekly fun, a group of queer girl friends who i can talk with about more emotional things or anything, i've got friends from work who exchange work gossip and updates about our field. i've got it good.

but something's always missing. i guess it always will be.