i am not strong enough

you're made of porcelain but your heart is made of flesh

maybe my heart is porcelain 

hard exterior but so easy to break. too delicate for my own good

i miss the mundane days I'd spend with you. the stupid talks, the heartfelt laughs. I miss spending every day with you. i knew i was doomed when i started missing you. when i started noticing your absence and taking your presence for granted. when we started seeing each other less and i started needing you. and what hurts the most is that I've never been able to tell you, how much i love you, and how much it hurts me to do it. And yet I keep doing it. You're in my head every morning and every night. I won't lie and say you're all there is in my head because sometimes i think of other stuff. but you always appear again and again like the sweetest, bloodiest pop-up. You're always there. It's always you. Everywhere I look, I think of you. 

It doesn't even have to be romantic. I just want to spend every day by your side. We don't even have to talk. When we're laying down together in my bed, it's the warmest feeling I've ever felt. I could live in that moment forever. I don't want it to ever end. When you go home, I feel so empty. I want you with me every day. Getting to wake up to your face first thing in the morning has felt like waking up to an angel by my side. I feel so pathetic with how much I've wanted to kiss you. But I never would. I know that you wouldn't want that. So I don't. Despite how much I love you, and how overwhelming this love is, it's so pure, and so raw, that you always come first. Your desires. Your wishes. And I know it has never been me who you've desired. It has never been me who you've wanted. i wish i had the guts to at least put my head on your chest. On your shoulder. I know friends can do that sometimes. It doesn't have to be romantic to be intimate. But I can't. I don't have thr guts. I need your warmth so bad. Even if just a simple hug. When you take my arms, I feel so close to heaven. I want to hold it forever. You don't have an idea how badly I want to hold you in my arms and caress your hair. Your hair is so beautiful. The times I've touched it...it feels like an angel's wings. Like it was made of gold. This love is so painful, so suffocating. It feels like it's filling my lungs and soon will leave me out of breath completely. 

Today I've cried about this, without my mind thinking randomly about my grandma. For the first time in my life. I cried because I realized that no matter what I do, our simple mundane days together will never come back. The times I was able to spend almost every day with you will never come back. If you desert me, I'll see you less and less, until it's only an ocassional, casual "Hey". I couldn't help but cry. I can't help but feel a lump in my throat 

You're talking to me and I drop everything to reply

Even this

Even my own feelings

Because you're more important than I'll ever be

It hurts to think I'll lose you

That we may become distant friends at best 

I know all I can do is accept

I'm missing you before even losing you.