a friend that's not a friend.

i watch pretty little liars and i catch myself with a painful feeling. i see the hanna, spencer, emily, aria... and they're so united, it's so beautiful. my mom always says this, that their friendship is rare and gorgeous and each time she says that i feel a part of me dies a little more.

i never felt that way. i had a lot of friends when i was a kid and we made promises of exploring the world together and for a few moments i felt i could tell them anything, then our grades on that school was over and each one went their own way, to other schools, meeting new friends. but one of them still kept contact with me, i call her G. we made a bond, we were both a bit crazy... we got rlly close then i couldn't go to the same school as her and i still think that hurt her so much cuz she had social anxiety and she wanted me there with her but i couldn't... with time she made new friends, and one day she never replied me again. i still have her number, follow her ig... i see her pictures and i still feel sorry for not being able to maintain her close. 

then i also made a new friend in the new school i was, it was in 2022. we made a bond too, inseparable (or that's what i thought). she moved from my city, we kept contact until nowdays but it's not the same. she has new friends, new life... we talk once in a while then silence for 2 months. i remember we also made promises of exploring the world, moving out of our country, living the teen life everyone would dream of! 

 so i realized that... we're friends, but not best friends. not soul sisters as i always dreamed of. she's not the one i call when something goes wrong, or the one i call to tell the news first. we're friends, only. there's no bond between us. it's not her fault, she's amazing, sweet, nice... but maybe all this time we painted our differences of pink so we could pretend it'd match. 

but i'm also sick of it. sick of sitting alone in my bedroom watching others live what i should be living! i want to sneak out at night to go to a party, watch the stars while i talk shit with my friends, go to shopping in a saturday evening! i want to live! and in those moments i grief the girl i used to be. the one that could talk to anyone without staying hours after it replaying the whole conversation, that didn't have an anxiety attack just 'cuz she thought about approaching that group of girls, the one that wasn't so damn paranoid self-conscious type...

i guess it's because we grow up and see the world with other eyes... or maybe it's because i grew up hearing my mom saying how annoying i was and how all my friends probably hated me and how i should speak lower but my voice was barely a whisper.

one day... one day i hope i know the answers.

l