Delphi

Yesterday marked the winter solstice; the air was dry and sharp like a collection of invisible serrated knives, the haze of clouds above held the distant hills ransom - all pale blue, leaning against the sky. After a few weeks of devolving into complete nothingness, I made my way up to Noble Hills and felt the gentle, unexpected kiss of sunlight on my shoulders. It seems the weather was indecisive, all sharp and bright and tepid and bitter.

Now I'm typing this, sitting at the all-too-familiar dining table, draped in a patterned tablecloth, with a scrawled to-do list to my left, and the soft glow of a candle on my right. I suppose it is a good time to reflect on Semester 1 of Honours and how that has treated me. What I've concluded is that I have a wandering and sometimes tempestuous mind that either thrives or completely evaporates under stress. The start of the year felt like a perpetual elevated heart rate - I wanted to do as much as I possibly could, meet as many people as possible, do it all. This was all propelled by the nervous animal of my body.

I soon realised that without slowing down, I would not be able to learn anything at all, much less understand other people. But the upshot of slowing is the terrible, binding feeling of boredom, that leads me to places I wouldn't even go with a gun. There is a clear reason why I have so many stories to tell at parties - things just happen to me because I would rather there be happenings than nothings. Maybe I will tell you a little bit about that journey.

The Entomological Soiree:

I love my friends a terrible amount, even when I find my motivation dwindling I always come back to them somehow. My darling friend recently had her 20th (which conjured memories of my own last year) and I felt, maybe for the first time in ages, that my jaw had relaxed and I had spoken with a crude yet entertaining openness that felt natural to me. Usually I try to 'behave', I suppose I need to put on some kind of persona (especially with acquaintances, at work etc.) which drains my spirits entirely. But during this party - pear cider in hand, soft crumbs of mudcake to my left - I felt 'me'. It is a good feeling to have, and stays with you even during the inevitable hangover the next day.

Fusillade:

We all have our fumbles, and I happened to have a major one a few weeks back - a complete screw-up of an important statistics test. It did not help that I ran into my ex afterwards. Talk about a cruel game of dominos. Getting the results back, I felt my chest as tight as ever, and the congealed, inflamed fascia of my shoulder pulse with disappointment. I debated giving up, until I didn't, and simply locked myself in a room for as many hours as I could daily until I "got it".

In retrospect, the method was a good one, so I'll write it down here in case you want a bit of inspiration.

How to Study:

1. Establish rewards and punishments early on

One thing about me is that I really hate having the "big light" on, I find it garish and unattractive overall. At 8/9am each morning, until around 3pm, I forced myself to keep the light on (which aided visibility while studying, and also made my skin itch with anger). At about 3pm, the most wonderful light enters my office and traipses across my desk, all golden and heavenly. So at that exact time, I could turn the big light off - promise.

What did I find? Well, at first I hated the way it made me feel, I didn't like the artificial overhead peering down at me - until I repeated this method a few times. Soon enough, I entered into a "flow" state incredibly quickly from 9am onwards, because my brain anticipated the 3pm moment where I could turn the big light off. This is a classical example of negative reinforcement which, in my opinion, can be a lot more effective than the positive counterpart.

2. Learn until it is boring

Sometimes you have to pretend to be a misbehaving student forced to write out each lecture, line by line, until it makes you want to pass out from boredom. Why? Because it works. As the positive reinforcement for my study sessions, I bought a pack of good-quality cahiers, with the condition that I could only use them for studying/writing notes. I wrote out the lectures until my wrist cramped terribly, and found the letters and words almost absorb themselves into my muscle memory. Come the time of the exams and the words were flowing out.

If you don't find the content extremely obvious, to a point of boredom, you don't know it. Remember this.

3. Raise the stakes

I find it useful to induce a state of great stress/disappointment/anger prior to studying, which can be artificially created eg. ragebait video, looking up previous bad marks, because oftentimes this will help to propel the start of the session, and the actual act of studying will dull these feelings and create a pseudo "pleasure" (in line with the negative reinforcement idea) that makes you want to continue. This is not for everyone.

4. Consolidate

A few months ago I was about to submit an essay when I got the sudden urge to spend my evening watching a movie, rather than painstakingly edit the thing, with the promise that I would come back to it. The effect of watching the 2hr movie was tremendous - coming back to my work, I found so many gaps and opportunities for improvement, because I put my brain on standby.

Breaks are terrific, but they need to be functional. Doing a physical task like vacuuming, taking the bins out, or just running the laundry are great for when there's a lot of content in your head. I feel it all dissolve evenly as I occupy myself with something else. So yes - breaks - but understand what kind of breaks work best.

Exit Stage Left:

I think that is all for now. In the coming days I want to write more often, try and probe at things a little more precisely. Right now I sort of just want a brownie and a mug of hot tea. I'll go ahead and get that.

Hope everyone is well!

- J