Senior year

Senior year is approaching. It’s really close and I’m so excitedly petrified. I ended last year horribly. My mental health was at an all time low and went through one of the worst depressive episodes I’ve had since I moved to America. Shit was so bad it had me FANTASIZING about moving back to Germany. Crazy. But turns out I just needed to lock in. So far I’m ready for next year but there is still one thing I’m stuck on. Well I am and I’m not. I’ll go days without thinking about her but the second I’m alone with my thoughts, everyone’s favorite ex creeps back into my mind. Wish I knew why. It’s not enough to make me act on any impulses like texting, calling, or stalking, but just a little thought that’s as insignificant as a tiny gust of wind. Sometimes I’ll think random thoughts like “does she miss me like how I missed her” or “I wonder if she’s thinking of me right now or talking to her friends about me.” Though those thoughts are fun to ponder on, they won’t do anything for me. But every girl thinks like that, so I won’t feel bad about that. Do I wish I’d randomly get a text or a call from her? Sure. But it’ll do more damage than good. Now, holy hell I realized I’m so much better single than dating. I love not fighting and not crying. It’s peaceful over here. Even though it sounds so stupid, I truly do want to try putting myself first for a try. I always give my all to people without considering myself first, and that’s smth I wanna try. I think I got it. K that’s it. Peace