I fucking love being alone

[Venting]

This school year has been so draining. I met so many cool people, made so many new friends, and that is an absolute gift. But I'd come to forget how much I enjoyed my own company as well.

Living in student dorms, I'm always surrounded by people, which is lovely but tends to be very tiring. The fact that I now have such a large group of friends makes it hard to be with myself for extended periods of time--when someone makes plans, I'm always invited. This wasn't the case for me in high school or before; I had a few friends, but I seldom went out. Now I always feel bad about turning my friends down, because I fear that if I miss out on too many outings or gatherings, they'll all forget about me and we'll grow apart. I suppose I can't bring myself to believe that I'm interesting enough for them to like me when i'm not there, and at my best. I let myself tire in hopes that they won't tire of me.

Which I know is somewhat silly, things don't work like that. People don't turn their backs on you because you stayed home once. But that's how it's been for the past year--I don't know how to say no anymore. And as an introvert, this constant socializing has been fairly hard on me.

And now I've gone back home for a few days. With my parents gone, I've had the house all to myself, and I love it. Today, my friend group had something planned, a little party to celebrate one of us getting their own apartment, and I was supposed to come. It scared me, but I managed to tell them that I couldn't. I just can't take it anymore, it's like I've barely taken a break in months.

I'm proud of myself for finally making a decision for myself. I deserve some rest, i deserve to recharge my social battery. There will be other occasions.