Social Withdrawals

EW EW EW EW. I hate the fleshy urge to contradict a habit I'm trying to change. It's disgusting and aggravating. I tell myself, stop needlessly reaching out to people, stop going to social spaces you don't need to be in because you always drain yourself trying to make a connection you don't care about. I fear I only idolized the idea of a close relation. I'm trying to unlearn my old habits. I want to be satisfied with myself. I want to be content, I know I am, but it's that old habit of wanting to connect with people have a brief positive moment, but then my brain would get it confused with actual friendship. I don't like how the brain works. That habit of being needy, feeling myself slightly waver at the slightest positive light shown my way. I hate it, it makes me want dump everything and just shove everyone away, stop being genuine, stop making an effort to be genuine because it's hardly ever reciprocated. I could just delete everything! Run away! Hurl every nasty thing that comes into my mind. I won't though, I'm just talking. Venting.

It bites, but at least I can blog everything, dump it all on whoever ends up reading what I write :p 

I just don't like it, it makes me feel icky, I wanna stop, I don't wanna share my whimsy, I don't wanna share my art in certain spaces. I don't wanna reach out anymore, I don't wanna make an effort, I don't wanna care when I don't need to. Why should I? I should focus on myself and what I actually need to do. Trying to keep too many people close like that just feels like a burden.