Oh that's why :(

I wasted my youth so obsessed with sex. Whether it was with dating boys and making my life all about the boy I was dating or the sexual experience I was getting, I was so focused on this that it took over the rest of my adolescents. 

I started sugar-dating at 15 and I sincerely believed that I could make a stable living off getting money from old men. Then I got caught and I decided I can't do it anymore at least until I'm more independent and maybe actually of age. In the meantime all I did was sleaze around. I didn't care about anything except sexual experiences and using boys (my age this time) to feel validated and to feel wanted.

And now after wasting so much time and energy on all of that. sex and dating and using men and boys and thinking I could cruise through life until I'm too old and ugly to be wanted, I forgot to actually get a real hobby and real skills and real ambitions. And now I must start from scratch. 

And dear God is it hard. It's hard to find anything I'm genuinely good at and want to stick with and be proud of. 

I'm not saying it's too late for me and I'm just useless now, I'm saying it's really difficult to do something I should've been doing long ago, such as finding skills and hobbies and an actual dream career. Maybe if I spent time learning how to draw instead of sucking nasty old man dick I'd actually be something idk x_x