it's time to kill my older self

To my little lovely old-self that’s been through too much and I have to let you go, because it’s not me anymore,

So you’re not a little girl anymore, you grew so much through all these years. Now I still remember you, but we’re different people after this moment. You were doing your best all this time. You were actually trying, with all that fire inside you. I just hate how you let others decide who you are, what you have to be wearing, caring about, doing, liking or not. I hate how stressed you were, and that you thought you didn't deserve help or support. I hate how you were spending YOUR time for others, that don’t even deserve it sometimes. I hate how you tried so hard for others, that you totally forgot about yourself. You know what, you’re kind, beautiful, good friend, daughter and sister, and you’re fucking smart. But now that I think about it you were actually so good, but kept killing yourself not in a good or transformational way. You were constantly starving yourself, just not even paying attention to your physical health, what to even talk about mental health. The part I hate about you the most, is how much you were trying to be likeable and accepted. I know that it's normal for a human being, but not that much. You always knew who you are and what you liked, but felt too cringe, too much, too positive, too depressive, too not-cool, too untrendy, too unrelatable, and I can keep going with these constantly. You felt always not enough for others, but too much for yourself. You were constantly asking yourself "why I don't have it?" and "what I'm doing wrong that I don't deserve it". YOU DESERVE IT, YOU'RE JUST LOOKING IN WRONG PLACES. Fuck these guys, energy draining friends, fuck trying helping everyone when you don't have energy or time for that. FUCK IT. You tried to get personality traits, that are not even you: you're not introverted, you actually love routines, you actually care if person doesn't listen to what you're talking about, you hate when they don't remember stuff about you, you hate when they are not giving same energy you do. And you know what, at this point I HAVE TO CHOOSE MYSELF this time, no options and no excuses. You always felt that you're too much to your friends, that you care too much, because it's "cool" not caring that much. But you care, and that's okay. That's okay that you want share every detail about yourself, and every thought you have, even when you talked about that million times. That's okay that you care what they think about your hobbies, style, likes and dislikes. Just don't let that ruin you anymore, just don't hide yourself, stick to your stuff no matter what. They won't leave you, if you don't like they're music or film, that's okay. You have to be honest with yourself first, deep inside you always know what you like or not, how you feel, but you were totally hiding it, because of the fear of them leaving you. And that's totally okay if you can't meet with them just because. Just because you're not feeling it today, that's fucking okay. And I promise you from now on, I will be that person you always dreamed about.

Best wishes,

Hopefully new me.