Running.

6/15/25

Running.

Blog ~ Diary

(The inside of my mind for the past few years.)

WARNING: This might not make sense. This is simply how my brain writes now.

I've been running from everything. My responsibility, my reality, my home. And for the longest time I don't think I've ever stopped running. I don't think I've ran as far as I can go away to get from my problems. I don't think I can run away from time. It's like I run 60 paces and once I think I can take a rest I see all my issues 2 paces away from me. No matter how far I run I end up in the same place I never swore to be. The same situation that I manually rig to end up in, only to be surprised when I do end up there. I feel expendable, alone, and numb. I feel like my emotions, my thoughts, are not my own. I feel like at the switch of a button I can smile, then I can cry. I feel like my head is not on my shoulders but my thoughts are still where my head should be, controlling me. My brain powers me, it drives me. My brain is more powerful then the soul and that is how I've always operated. My thoughts were never driven from my heart, my actions were never taken from me. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know who I am. I take the words of everyone around me and feed it to myself. I take the thoughts of someone elses opinion of my body and I breathe it in like oxygen. I take the thoughts of someone elses opinion on my hobbies and I eat it like food. I let people dictate whats right and whats wrong with me like I'm deciding what pjs to wear to bed. It's second nature. It comes so naturally to me in fact that if I take out every thought I put in to create who I am today I would be nothing but flesh and bone. I would be the spirit of an underachiever and the hopes of a dreamer. I would be the "When I grow up.." and the "Get me through the day..". I would be everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe I would be happy. Maybe the societal expectations to be the best I can be but not too good or I won't have anything I think I'd need to work on but not too many flaws because then I would think I'm not good enough and if I'm not good enough then what am I? I'll tell you what I am and what I'll always be. A placeholder. I am the placeholder in the world. I found my purpose at a young age which is rare, most people spend their entire life to find their purpose, why they were born, why that specific sperm won the race. Well I've been running and I crossed that finished line a long long time ago. And now it feels like I'm watching everyone just keep RUNNING while im stuck in place. Watching everyone pass me, being forced to watch everyone pass me. And just for a moment someone stays, someone helps me jog and just when I feel like I can run again they pass me. They find someone who can match their speed, someone who they can laugh and run at their speed with. Then I stop again. And it happens. Again and again aand again and again and again and again and again and gaian and again and again and agian gadn again and it wont stop happening. I don't think I can come to peace with it, but I've come to terms with it. I know who I am. I know who I'll always be. I can be told something by someone and I can be told and believe and breathe into those thoughts of someone. "You're so funny I don't understand how we weren't friends sooner." I don't understand why you didn't stay sooner. It's not like I'm actively killing their families they just LEAVE thye just find someone better and find someone who they can laugh with and talk to. And if they never find that someone they always have that ONE person that they can go back to thats not me. I'll always be THAT additional friend that they meet, then they have their OTHER friend that was there first. But in their eyes I will always be second. I will never be first choice or first pick. I will always be second. But second is better then never picked right? Thats what I told myself. Thats what i believed until that thought process showed up on my wrist one morning and I couldn't believe what I've just done. I was so drained. I AM so drained. Of just being second. I don't think I ever knew what It was like being first. I don't think I'll ever know what its like being first. Always the echo, never the call—chosen not for first light, but for when all stars have fallen. I will be used for support, I will be used for comfort, I am that loud ringing that people call a voice in the back of your head. I am what motivates people to speak, but I have no voice. I have no thought. I have no feelings. I am spiraling. I am a constant spiral that leads to nowhere, my thoughts end up nowhere but a big empty vat that stores these thoughts for this. This moment. This moment of rage, and anger and fear. Once it gets full I unload it, I scream, I cry, I shout, I harm myself I harm others. And then its empty again. Then it fills. and I scream, I cry, I shout I harm myself I harm others. And then its empty again. It will always fill. It will always be there. It will always be there. Lingering there. Now i just count the seconds until they leave. The seconds it takes for them to meet someone who will eventually become their new best friend. Become their new "Me". I don't know why this happens to me. I don't know what I do. I don't know what I say. I don't know what I did. But life used to be so bright but now it's dimming. It's dimming quick and soon it will be dark. I can't wait for the stars to drop and for people to realize they have no more light guiding them to run. No more placeholder.