listening to my spotify daily mix again

hello chat it's 11:35am as i'm writing this

as is known, time is a flat circle and nothing ever happens. after every low comes a period of stability or even a high. today it's is stability, although very slowed and stagnant. i don't know what it is about my sleep schedule in the summer but i always, ALWAYS wake up at dawn... it's a matter of a fear and hunger coin flip whether i will actually be able to resume sleep or not- yesterday, it was a failed flip, but every other day, including today, it's alright!

i need some music to get my brain into gear so i am using this opportunity to both write and jam out a little bit. things are starting to settle down. it pleases me. i feel less anxious now than i normally do, though i know it is only a matter of time until the anxiety spikes again and the cycle continues. today might be a good day to do some much needed cleaning around the apartment, which i will likely do after i drink some coffee... which i could mix with some coconut milk!

speaking of coconut milk, i made some yesterday. i mean, i sort of "stole" the recipe from my workplace and just adapted it so that it doesn't have a gajillion grams of sugar in it (i did put like 10 teaspoons of sugar in like... ~1l of liquid). the way we made coconut milk at work was a little more tedious as it required both using coconut milk and cow's milk, and then adding like... what was it... sugar, condensed milk, some other stuff? don't remember.

however, here's my rendition of the recipe:

• 400 ml/g of coconut milk (they sell it in cans at the local store so one can will suffice)
• 500 ml of cow's milk
• 200 ml of water
• 10 teaspoons of sugar (or adjust to taste)

not only did i drink like two cups of this by itself yesterday, but i also used it to make an evil fucked up fruit bowl with strawberries and bananas. normally my mother will make whipped cream to add to the fruits, but i found the coconut milk to be a lot more refreshing, especially after all the ingredients have been chilled in the refrigerator. it's like... evil cereal. i can't explain it. which reminds me, i could have added cornflakes to the mixture, but oh well. maybe next time. 

ive been uncomfortably sore the past few days- my neck was in such bad shape that it was giving me headaches after a whole day of just existing, and yesterday, i even woke up to my whole body being sore- muscles, bones, whatever! it was so uncomfortable and anguishing, especially since i went outside in the heat with no food in my system while in this state... but, i cracked the code. i bought a bottle of magnesium-rich carbonated water, drank a glass and lied down, and surprisingly, i was fine. maybe my neck could use some more stretching as i doooo feel that it's stiff, but it's no longer so disrupting and off-putting. all in all, i am making a recovery, as slow or fast as it is.

i am still a little hungry. been feeling disgusted by food in general as of late- don't feel like eating anything in particular, nor cooking. it is what it is.

got stuff i gotta do, but i have a feeling it'll be alright today. who cares.