how (not) to save people

i've always wanted to help people, in some capacity. sometimes that manifested through music or art, and other times it got me jobs working in home healthcare. even at my most selfish point of drug addiction, i tried to care about and for other people. but there's a huge problem. turns out i'm codependent.

i thought i was altruistic and humble. i thought, if i'm caring for other people, i'm doing the right thing. well, there is some truth to that, but ultimately it meant two things: i always had a motive in my level of care for others (making me not altruistic); i was attempting to manipulate situations for my own advantage (making it not the right thing).

before i transitioned, i thought i was the "nice guy." and by "nice guy," i mean, i thought if i put "nice guy" tokens into people-machines i'll eventually get a payout in affection or other rewards. turns out, people really don't like that.

so i got sober in 2018 and thought i was changing. i came out as a woman. turns out, i still had a cache of "nice guy" tokens and i was intent to use them on the next person i was attracted to. she didn't reciprocate and it made me bitter and resentful. i didn't recognize the pattern but the feeling was familiar.

i've gotten sober twice more since then. at the time of writing, i've got about a month and a half before my 5-year anniversary. i thought that i've changed in that time. i spent the last few years befriending a very sweet person. she became one of my best friends. you guessed it. i still had those "nice guy" tokens leftover and i was still trying to cash out on them. no matter how much i tried to convince myself, "this time was different," i was becoming emboldened. i kept trying. i took the role of caretaker (see: codependency) and then began getting resentful.

don't you see how much i'm doing for you?
if i'm not here, who's going to help you?
you're stuck in the past, get with the present and recognize a "nice girl" in front of you

i felt all of these and more, though i never said anything. i bottled it up. i was hiding from my codependency and internalized toxic masculinity. i think that's something Trans women forget they have, sometimes. at least, i know i forget it.

so it's been almost three months since i talked to her. she's my qualifier. it's not her fault. she's still a sweet person. but me? i've been bitter, and resentful, and manipulative, and codependent. i sought control and when i finally realized the pattern i was playing out, i had to cut ties.

i don't know what the future looks like, but at present, we're still not talking. i dream about reconnecting. sometimes she's mad at me, other times she's upset, and other times she just accepts me. i don't know what the truth will be. eventually i'm going to owe her an amends.

i thought i could save her and she didn't need saving. i now need to save myself.