Struggles and healing 2

Warning, talk of eds and body issues ahead. :)

I wanna turn this into a mini series on here. I had therapy this morning and i told my therapist how i felt better after blogging my feelings and she was really supportive! She said it sounded like a great idea and encouraged me, so here i am again writing about stuff. If you think none of this makes sense in the way i write it, you're right. I'm just rambling lmao.

Me and my therapist talk about a lot of stuff, but i mainly want to talk about my body issues and being scared of being girly today. I've struggled with my body since i was a young kid. I was always bigger than the other girls, not fat but also not skinny. One time i was at my neighbors house and two other girls from my class came over too. We wanted to play princesses (we must've been about 7?) and my neighbor had those plastic Disney princess dress up shoes. I had bigger feet and because i couldn't fit, i was told i had to be the servant because only princesses could wear the shoes. And i couldn't. I think that was the first time i was so aware how i was different to the other girls and it really hurt. My body was always something people would use against me and im very sensitive to any comments towards my body.

I've never been 'fat', even though that's how I've always seen myself. Chubby at most. My body developed faster than all the other girls and i got my first bra at age 9. It always made me feel so awful. In my preteens i fell into my ED, which i still haven't recovered from. I spent a lot of my teens recovering, relapsing, and it was just a nightmare rotation. Its a cycle i try so hard to break. Even when i was so deep into an ED i still wasn't skinny. I've never been skinny, as I'm naturally curvy. I take after my dads side of the family, all the women are bigger and naturally curvy. The women of my mums side of the family are very skinny. I used to wish (and still do) that i took after my mommys body genes.

One thing that really affected me was when my body started developing into my adult body, i got even more curvy. This started happening when i was 17, and its normal. Its that final bit of puberty when your body really changes and its still happening into my 20s. I went from a size 12 in jeans to a size 16 so quick but stayed a size 10/12 in tops. I think that's when my ED got to its worst. I joined a lot of online communities that encourage eds and it was a horrific downward spiral. One of the worst downsides to my body issues is the way i limited myself with fashion, and i LOVE fashion. I didn't think i deserved to dress girly and cute as it didn't suit my body. I still have a hard time with this even though I'm finally embracing the fashion i love. 

As I've already stated, i am in therapy. My therapist is called Cassie and she's an older women in her 70s and always has her hair dyed light pink. She loves hello kitty and cute things too, which is something we bond over. She has really helped me not to be afraid and to express myself the way i want to, as she always uses her hair as an example. I used to be really emo in my teens and at the start of my adult life. I was scared of being seen as 'childish', as i am a pretty childish person especially with some of my interests. But i think that's just due to the autism lol. I'm glad i can finally (try to) embrace being cutesy even if most of society look down on me for being feminine and cute. I want to protect all the cute girls, like an angel would. wouldn't that be cute? 

I'm starting to realize that fashion is for everyone. I think now in 2025 body issues are at an all time high. Heavy filters, 'perfect makeup', Pinterest/TikTok pretty, having the perfect body, being small and delicate.... It really means nothing, right? Our body is basically a vessel for our soul. We are our souls, our bodies don't mean anything. If we want to protect our souls, we have to take care of our body. We all eat, it shouldn't mean anything. Every human has a different body, different lives and issues. It slowly makes sense to me that social media does influence and ruin people. In the real world, nobody cares about your body, right? On the streets, when you look different, people will judge you, even vocalize their anger. They're just sheep and they're scared. Right? We only live once.