#40 - PANGS OF SOLITUDE

I remember I was lying in bed alone one night and I started thinking about her... Y'know what's funny? This wouldn't have been crossing my mind had we never met, yet God chose that we fell in love. What was once normal is now saddening. The moments which brought me immense joy became painful memories. 

I felt literal pangs in my chest from the loneliness. I couldn't bear it anymore and tried distracting myself from the pain, but it was just distractions. As soon as my comfort was over, I couldn't close my eyes any longer. When my eyelids vanished, all I could gaze at was the ugly face of loneliness, a beast crafted by my mind. 

If we never met, the pain would not be there. I wasn't even interested in girls, I didn't intend on any of this, but I was chosen. Do I play the game of fate or quit like a coward? 

No... I won't quit. I'm too stuck up to swallow my pride so callously. Too compassionate to abandon someone who truly loves me, who truly needs me. Too curious to see what happens next, what more I could learn.

And this relates to some context, when I "converted" to my current religion, I felt ostracized by my family. None of them could understand why I'd leave the religion of my parents, what value there is in seeking the truth. Forcing me to fit in, it's like trying to make a square peg fit in a triangle hole. It is simply not my fate.

Then finally, after over a year of staying strong, we met. God willed that I would fall in love with such a sweet, compassionate, and pious girl of the same faith. When she was sad and frightened, I was the one who brought joy and comfort to her.  

She loves me too. She misses me too. We're in this together. When I realized that, I cried tears of joy, and the pain washed away as I slept smiling. 

In that moment, I thought this was God rewarding me for staying strong through all of those struggles I went through... But is this another test? What if things don't work out for us? I don't know... What else can I do but pray that I find peace?

But regardless of what the outcome of our relationship is, I can take comfort in knowing that whatever happens is the best outcome, the only outcome, because...

NIHIL EST SINE RATIONE