What is this???

so like, what is this? what is all of this?

i woke up today, slept in naturally to make up for all the sleep ive lost in recent times. it feels nice to just keep sleeping... and keep sleeping. and keep sleeping. and keep on waking up and checking the time and turning around and curling up to continue sleeping. it really does.

after i finally got up, i just washed my face and brushed my teeth. i made some coffee. i scrubbed my sink somewhat unsuccessfully- it's "clean" but i fucked up the metal a while ago because i used a cleaning agent that was too strong and now the metal is discolored and ugly, stained-looking no matter what. unsure how to fix this, if anyone knows do let me know. while i was scrubbing i was also making some coffee, and i took my gecko, grunt, outside for some "enrichment time" (aka took him out of his terrarium to wake him up so he eats the food i make him). i might try feeding him a banana one of these days. i think he shed relatively recently because he had a long piece of stuck shed on one of his claws which i gently helped him remove- i think a bit is still stuck but it's too close to his claw so i'd rather not risk hurting him, he will likely take it off himself. 

i then drank my coffee, cuddled and played with grunt, sitting in my bed with my summer sleeping gown on. i've been having the most disgusting neckache for several days now- it's a very dull but persisting pain and it literally causes me to feel nauseous whenever it persists for a while. 

and when that was over, when i put grunt back in his enclosure and when i finished off my coffee, i just lied there, browsing pinterest and youtube for a bit. and now i'm here. this is the first time i've decided to give spotify's daily mix shit a chance because i think i'd go positively insane if i sat in silence any longer. 

anyway

i feel like for the past several months, i've just been feeling consistently anxious and unwell. i can't even say i've been feeling numb because numbness would, in my personal opinion, be a good thing. i'd rather feel nothing than feel like crawling out of my own body and hiding away somewhere. i'm trying very hard to ignore this feeling and to numb it, to distract myself, to do whatever i can to just shake it off and put it in the background so it won't interfere with anything, but it's not really working? i don't know. i feel like my head could crack open anyday now and just have all the gunk and sludge that has built up inside of it just spill out in the open for everyone to see- but who would see it when i stay away and hide from people so much? i don't know. i just haven't felt "right" in a very long time, but i'm getting so used to things being like this that it's becoming the new norm. i kinda used to be afraid of this feeling and wanted to fight it, but i think ive gotten to some sort of point where i just want this to persist because it's the only thing i know and it's the only consistent thing. it's the one thing that i know will last for the rest of my life because it is built into me. i still have that built-in expectation that everything i ever work for is going to fall apart and be ruined until there's nothing left but me, alone in the very end. a part of me knows it should fight this feeling, but most of me can't let go of this feeling, i just don't think i was brought into this world to succeed or to have a triumphant end to my story. i want to be like a slimy, squigly earthworm, just crawling around until somebody comes along and steps on me and splatters me all over the pavement. i feel like every time i poke my head out of the ground, life comes and steps on me. i'd call it annoying but i'm so used to it that the only way i can react is by having a short "down period" where my state gets really bad, and then i just proceed functioning as i always have. it's like "ah, whatever, what did i expect."

everything feels so pointless and lame and everything feels like i'm just acting the way i think it's socially acceptable to act. it's whatever.

my lips are dry, i think i should drink some water soon. and eat something. i bought strawberries yesterday which i think will go well with the bananas i bought the day before yesterday. call it a "fruit salad" or whatever.

anyway i think i just need to embrace the fact that i was born weak and that i will remain weak and spineless until the day i die. there is no point in fighting the inevitable. it never gets better, honestly. anyone who says otherwise is braindead. even if it "looks" like it's better, you're just replacing one set of problems with another. just give up on the idea that things will get better and life suddenly becomes less of a race against time and more like a gradual state of decay where you wait to hit the final state of rot with open arms. we are born to live and die. the state you're in now is a state you will keep finding yourself in again, and again, and again, regardless of what you do to fight and break the cycle.

nothing ever happens