#39 - IS LOVE REAL?

There's something rather annoying that I'm dealing with. You see, there's a sort of dual state within how my mind processes the world, the logical side and the emotional side. The logical side is more grandiose in scope and its views are whatever evidence it bears witness upon which it finds most convincing. 

The emotional side is rather personal and individual, and it cannot be easily conditioned to what I want... perhaps due to emotional suppression and thus lack of self awareness when it comes to my emotions.

I had already stated earlier that my façade of apathy was a paper shield in the face of the new emotions I had been experiencing, and I see that most of these intense emotions are caused by my first romantic relationship. 

I never really looked for anything of the sort, we met by chance and fell in love... Or, at least that's what I think. Studying Jungian psychology has fucked with my head, because now I'm not sure if love is even real. 

If we are just projecting our ideal heterosexual fantasies onto each other, are we even in love or am I masturbating and pretending that she's someone else in my head? Perhaps I'd be more sane if I just ignored such absurd notions and went with the common assumption that what I see is there.

"I love you", "I missed you", "I'm proud of you"... These are all things she said, not things I made up. She clicked with me. I can relate to her because we share the same flaws, not because she's perfect or any such rubbish. Maybe I should trust my gut and ignore the mumbo jumbo... But why should I trust an ill-mind?

It's all so confusing, I feel so lost. I don't know if I love her, and even if I relent, why do I love her? It's hard for me to emotionally accept that she genuinely loves me because I see no attractive traits in myself. What does she see in me that I don't? I have no sincere confidence because that is something to earn, and I have not earned that yet.

I've been so belittled and demeaned my whole life, that now it feels impossible to mature and be a man who can take care of others, instead of one who is forever ploughing without once planting a seed. There's this constant voice in the back of my head saying I'm not good enough to take care of a woman. I try to ignore it, but I can't help but listen sometimes.

Her love is forced down my throat and I cannot process any of this at all. It's all so much, so new, yet so exhilarating. I feel alive. I feel so happy. I am no longer stagnant. Finally I have been given an opportunity, I won't let it slip. 

She made me cry tears of joy for the first time in my life.

I love her.

I truly mean that.

From the bottom of my heart.

Whenever I'm in sorrow as I wonder why we're going through any of these struggles at all, I am enlightened and overjoyed as soon as I remember that...

NIHIL EST SINE RATIONE