Struggles and healing

Ive already written on here about how i struggle. This blog is basically just going to be a massive yap session for me.

As an autistic woman who was diagnosed late (at 16) It makes me really sad how much i could've thrived if it was caught in early childhood. I was always the 'quiet nerdy girl' to my peers and 'too quiet but a pleasure to have in class' by my teachers. I started struggling with depression and my body image at around 9 when we moved away from Scotland, that was really hard for me and for my last two years of primary school i had behavioral problems. Nobody ever took me seriously because of that even into my teens. When i tried to say i was depressed it was always 'its just hormones' or 'you should be starting your period soon, so that's why'. It wasn't until i started hearing voices that i was finally taken seriously and put into CAHMS by my GP.... which did not help. iykyk lol.

CAHMS was basically a massive time waster. I did get diagnosed with autism with their help which is probably the only help i really got, but I'm still thankful because that diagnosis made me finally feel recognized and that I'm not broken or a weirdo. A few months ago i was diagnosed with BPD and my therapist suggests i may also have c-ptsd due to trauma from my childhood and preteen years, which is something i will not go on about here. Unfortunately This is a topic i really struggle with. I had to go private for that diagnosis. Thank goodness for having a job? I can pay for my therapy lol. At least this time I'm actually learning coping skills. Shoutout to Cassie.

I have a lot of regrets like all people do. One of my resolutions for 2025 was to finally heal... or start healing. And i did make a start! i only started therapy in October, so nearly a year. I am very proud of how far i have came, I'm on a good path. I want to live a good life after not wanting to live for most of my teens and the start of my adult life. My boyfie plays a big part in this, i love him so much and i don't think id be here without that man. Heres another shout out but to my boyfie.

I'm still depressed, have panic attacks often and barely leave my room. But I'm getting through it. One day i hope to wake up and finally have a peaceful life. Healing is such a long process but ive only just turned 20. Hell really is a teenage girl. My 20s will be good, I'm manifesting it. 

Thanks for reading my long mental health yap if you got this far, I'm going to go eat my yummy soup i bought now. I might make another blog post about my experiences with body issues. I really like talking about all this on my blog because it makes me feel lighter, less alone. Even if nobody reads it. At least its out there and not in my head.