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I had already realized that i am a weird person and i owuld never fit into the social standards of what society actually deems as normal, and i had decided that i was so cool with that i actually enjoyed it. I had tried to interfere and get under to try and be a part of 'society' (this sounds so creepy like im saying im a neet or somehting but its kinda not a lie) and then i just reisgned and accepted and i felt unique because being weird is fun but its hard at the same time because i dind't expect to get back the feelings of being so frustrated and wondering how it would be like if i was a normal person that was just infiltrated in the real world and had no worries and socialized well and all the cool young life stuff that i see in moveis and games happened to me
my life is so miserable i've realized yet again spending 17 years stuck between 4 walls and a little bit of all sorts of abuse and resurgence over and over again... I am really bad at recognition and i suck at social cues and how i am supposed to express myself.
i am terrible at expressing myself in real life in a social setting, because all the things i say are too blunt or come off wrong so its more reason for people to not listen to me because they just think im just a little 'immature 17 year old bitch who acts 'mean' on purpose because she doesnt know anything about the world' and i guess the impression of my words gibe that but i suppose that in culture being honest is forbidden and i say bitchy things all the time but i don't know how to word them better
if i was a normal teenager then i would be more understood easily and i wouldn't have this hardship and barrier between me and people who seem to think that i am stuck at a childish mindset just because i word myself wrong and ebcause of the clothes i wear (which is the most superficial thing to think about imo) and it becomes very difficult because its being infantilized in a weird way. Why is my dad so worried about me living a life independently on my own? I know im gonna die anyway, but you're gonna have to let that happen. things are like that sometimes, let it go.
i know they're worried, they just want the best for me, and i dont know if i am naive but i certaily dont feel like i am full stupid but i probably will when im older and its frusxtrating the feeling that im feeling
how do i even identify that i am frustrated?
how am i supposed to know the feeling and classify it? whenever i see people who are happy and actually blend in and have a actual life i get so jealous, when i see people who are desired and in love and have lots of options i feel frustrated, when i see people bonding and happy couples and happy families and responsible fathers i feel so margnialized i want to pluck my hair and kill someone and then myself. bvery destructive but i've yet to get to the full pyschological part of this, i just assumme since in every of those aspects life has served me utter shit seeing people who are actually happy and get things right makes me feel even worse
thats not the way to go about it but i dont care whats the fuck way to go about it im so frustrated i do not want to think in self improvement right now because i am dying and tossing around in the sensation of being miserable and feeling like this to the point that some part of me becomes familiar to me and gets to enjoy it
and egverything says that im underweight and so sick
i have so many blood exams and i have a bruise in my vein
and my mom is so worried and literally bitching about it to me all the time because im so underweight
i guess if i was so bad i would have died long ago but trust me my mental is even worse than my physical body
i dont care
not really if i look sickly or creepy because at this point my dark under eyes are something unsettling in me that i started to take pride in. if i felt bad about it before, then it's okay because i look like a sick bitch and i guess thats how people see me. people who tell me i look sad. i guess it's the look i have, i dont even care, i dont know how i look and i dont care how i look
i think seeing everything else is so frustrating
im tired out because im not normal and not fitting it and frustrated and jealous because i know that in difference to everyone else im not someone who would actually be ever desired, considered that most of the time the need for 'me' always comes out of desperation or any ulterior motive behind, and the bare human relationships i have are unsteady because of my constant stress and anxiety to mantain them and how i overhtought about it all
i know that maybe saying those words (say from a spiritual level because thats what i get told all the time) would probably attract more of the same to me but i think that honestly it really depends because i don't believe into the full thing entirely but it's not like im lying if i keep analyzing everything over and over
too long to read summary, bitch with victim complex cries and victimizes herself even further instead of trying to get help because that's too fucking hard and she haves to wait until she's 18 because too fucking bad STUPID MINOR BITCH and then crashes out because is not a person normally accepted by society or included in the usual rituals that they have or social clues and makes feel left out because humans like to be included in things and groups
i say humans like to die and fucking bitch about it
thats it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9uxB_ddC9c
Comments
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magilon
this resonated on a cellular level.
i wanted to say i did not interpret your words as a "victim complex" or anything like that. being unhappy with how things are is okay. you may already know this. sorry.
i don't think you need to appear normal in social situations in order to build relationships. there are people who find blunt honesty refreshing and can have productive conversations without all the fluff. i'd be lying if i said they were easy to find, but i have found them. those relationships were so much better than the ones i thought i wanted. take whatever or nothing from this.
yeah, definitely are. i think that most of society want you to suck everything up and smile and not say your own thoughts for appearance. I guess that it seemed like victim complex because i keep overthinking and being pulled back by bad memories and trauma as if i only victimize myself, but that's kind of hard not to do when i still forcefully live with my rapist
by ale; ; Report
i wasn’t aware how intense your situation is. the people you compare yourself to could never understand the strength you demonstrate daily. i know i can’t. it is really hard to move forward when everything around feels like a non-stop reminder. i obviously don’t know you, but i think you’re doing really great. being able to come on here and speak the way you do is amazing.
by magilon; ; Report
When i read it it made me think something like 'you really think that?' I guess it's true in a way but i don't notice it that much because i seem to see myself in a endless loop and most of the time this relationship i have with the outside people and especially with who hurt me is so bizarre and odd that i just react like nothing had happened
thanks too, it made me realize once again that in a way i keep missing and forgetting about my sense of self, odd to talk about, but the mention makes me realize it's quite there as opposed to the empty cell and cage i feel to find myself in in a way
by ale; ; Report
Palesaint
i relate. i keep it all to myself. and hope no one notices. because when they ask i have no clue how to respond. then i just feel worse. but keep your head up. there's eventually a floor to stand on. that's what i tell my self pretty much 24/7.