you shouldnt hate yourself

this is a sister blog to my life lessons i learned as a teenager online blog... i heavily advise checking that one out first before this because a lot of things in it line up with this blog and not to mention this blog will probably be much more satisfying to read afterwards

the reason i didnt initially discuss this subject of self-hatred in the first blog wasnt because of saving it for later or thinking it was too much for one blog...

but rather because i didnt notice that i should bring it up since the reason i learned all these individual lessons to begin with have been as a result of growing as a person and learning to appreciate myself...

and when things left unsaid easily linger... it almost feels like you *did* say them... that youve said everything you couldve and left it at that

but once you dismiss it so easily... so many things fall through the cracks...

the title of this blog post is so clear... right

but its rather absurd how many people objectify themselves just to be able to *see* something in themselves regardless of how it demeans them... all to not wallow in that blank image of themselves when others shame them

you may casually call yourself and your friends "bitch" / "bitches"... but as people hurt you over and over... as they insult you in ways that even *you* havent come up with... and then you angrily react in an act of defense... you find it that youre perpetually placed in this "bitch" role in any given situation and then the only thing you feel you could do to cope with being seen as inherently bad and difficult and dramatic is to embrace it... or in another case, you start to see the worse in everyone and even the kindest person in your life still renders to your heart as a "bitch" because it feels like everyone inherently hates you

you may constantly call yourself "stupid" or a "dumbass" even if its over something that you *know* is miniscule or if it makes sense for you to not know... but as you fail over and over in your course of life that mindset makes it harder to learn from your mistakes and more-so reinforces that youre not good enough if you make any mistake... that it inforces the image of you being "stupid" even though its meant to be something to learn and grow from

you may often call yourself "annoying" just for getting excited over something that you care about or just generally expressing happiness... but then it becomes difficult to be open with yourself or others about anything that you care about... you suddenly find yourself feeling uncomfortable to tell your friends about a new interest you focus on when previously you would share anything and everything you know about something to them under the sun... and feel embarrassed to share anything you care about

you often find yourself treating yourself with no respect yet try and make it flow so seamlessly...

you casually say all these horrible things about yourself... more like theyre simple traits and facts about yourself instead of heavy self-deprecation... even when you do acknowledge what it truly is, you still refuse to acknowledge it with actual weight it holds... you prefer to romanticize it so you can escape from how much you despise yourself

but keep in mind

as long as you face your emotions raw without trying to avoid them... youre always going to grow from your mistakes every time you mess up

2 words for life are "shit happens"... and when people say that... that means that not everything has to specifically be for or against you and that the world is a wild place with varying consistency... for better or worse

and in that inconsistency... thats what giving yourself consistency gives you so much peace for

immense self-hatred is a misplaced subconscious attempt at giving yourself that specific consistency... and instead of wallowing in the things youve got wrong or for circumstances you just cant change, take your time

the war ends eventually and even if nothing will ever be perfect... youre never as shameful as you think you are... whether it be to yourself or other people

while youre imperfect and have things to work on... thats not the end of the world and you shouldnt have to define yourself on that

even if "other people" is an environment that tears you down... they dont need to count as that community you care about and bring honor to

as you grow in life... you eventually get to decide who those "other people" are... everyone else gets to be faceless regardless of how polite you are

sometimes the best thing you could do with the way you see yourself is to appreciate yourself

its an objective fact that nobody sees you the way you see yourself

so use that fact to find hope in yourself when nobody else has it... use it to find love in yourself even if you dont know how just yet

im probably not going to do a blog like this again soon... im thinking of making a new quiz (: