Im tired idk.

Tbh I don’t even know what to write I just need to distract myself and vent for a while. Idgaf if someone reads this or not, i just use this as a personal diary. It’s my first day of summer break and im not happy at all. I just want to stay home. I want stay inside and never leave. I don’t wanna see anyone or do anything, and that sucks because i feel like im throwing life away but at the same time everyone around me is making plans and stuff and every time i get invited to anything the anxiety of going absolutely consumes me and i just cant. Unfortunately, if someone doesn’t experience this to such extent it is unlikely they would understand anything if i tried to explain it, and according to past experiences, they’d just interpret it as childish or an excuse/lie. I don’t blame them, tbh. I know how it sounds to tell someone that I, at my grown fucking age, can’t leave the house sometimes because im afraid. Because i get such crippling anxiety i get physically sick. That any hangout consisting on anything other than a short calm walk on the street for a few hours and then going home overwhelms me. So that’s why its easier and less conflictive to just lie, or invent an excuse. Although its not a great solution either, because it can backfire eventually. People get mad you casually can never go to any plans and always happen to have stuff to do or some lame excuse.. I hate saying no, but i also hate lying. But again its the only option. I cant talk about he actual problem. I cant do that. Does that make me a bad person? I feel like a horrible person for it. Not to mention how I also feel extremely unwanted and out of place anywhere i go. I’m always a second or third choice, the backup plan. The person you call when there’s a spare spot you want to fill. But not someone you want to see specifically. I’m no one’s first choice. And that’s okay, I’m not mad at them, I wouldn’t pick me as a first choice either. But that’s also why i bail on every plan. I know its gonna be awkward and I notice. I just want to feel wanted, and I wanna live without fearing the smallest things. I wanna be able to be normal, to feel normal. I hate having this problem, suffering this much for mundane things people do every day or even enjoy doing. It’s so unfair. I just want to be normal. 

I know how cliché and embarrassing that sounds its pathetic lol.

I’m not trying to be the classic attention seeking, venting kinda person, I just needed to get that out of my system. I know its stupid, but I don’t choose this. So if you have nothing nice to say or don’t understand this feeling, keep it to yourself. I’m trying. I really am, this wasn’t my choice. And im just so so exhausted of living in a constant state of tension that I’ve had no other choice than to choose peace because otherwise i might collapse. So no, I wont be forcing myself to do stuff anymore, not for a while at least. I don’t wish to exist. I’m pretty sure nothing I wrote here makes any sense at all but oh well. I’m really tired i cant think straight, so excuse my senseless ranting. Ill probably delete this later if i gain consciousness back and regret posting it.