June 9

  It’s been a long while. A ton of things happened. I don’t have anyone to talk about my situation right now, and I don’t want to vent and disturb anyone as well. I was building up hope until I realized how disturbingly weird I am around the people I love. I can’t help but get quickly comfortable with them once I knew them. Heck, I even hated someone for that exact same reason. I thought that I was well liked by people and that I shouldn’t worry about anyone, but I was wrong. People do hate me, and the saddest thing about it is that I care about what they feel about me. I’ve been feeling delusional about my crush lately and I feel lonely now that I’ve blocked him for the sake of the both of us. I didn’t even give a chance at knowing if he liked me back, but it was worth it. He thought that I was stalking him anyway. 

Why am I crying for something that was completely my fault? I’m the guilty one here, I have no right to feel this way.

I recently promoted from 8th grade and I’ve been feeling horrible lately. And surprisingly, I found myself scrolling on my crush’s page again. He’s been posting more sanguine content in contrast to what he posted while we were still friends on tiktok. I think that he’s doing better without me, unlike how I’m feeling right now. I’m supposed to be sleeping at this exact time since I have a summer music camp to attend, but out of all the days I can cry, I picked this one. 

I don’t know what I want. I just want to dedicate myself to someone as they love me back as well, but I’m just not too good enough to actually have someone stay for who I really am. I should change for the better, but where do I even start?