Dottie and Florence

I hate eating. I hate being seen eating. And I hate especially when my sister sees me eating. Because she's always been the prettier, better, thinner, better one and I've always been the stupid ugly fat loser that has no talent and is only spoken of under breathe. While she gets to be praised at the family table. They always give her the compliments, saying she looks so beautiful and I get fucking nothing. NOTHING! That makes me the fat loser. 

And idk. I've realized maybe that's why I've given up trying to be a girl at all. If I can't be the prettiest girl why bother being a girl at all. I can't lose this imaginary competition that I have between my own sibling if I don't play. But then, aren't I still losing? Isn't this how she wins? Does she even care as much as I do. It terrifies me, the thought that she is aware of the rivalry too and is actually trying to be thinner than me on purpose. 

And idk. Maybe if I kill myself she'll feel guilt and let herself go. And then I'll be remembered more favorably because I died so young and tragically. But that route sucks too because I won't even be alive to see this outcome for myself. I'll be dead. 

Whatever, at least I have a partner who loves me and she doesn't. BUT like that sucks. that's the laziest way for any sibling to win a rivalry. Because yeah my boyfriends pretty cool, but what do I bring to the table? Fuck-shit. I'm the loser of the family and unless I starve myself and turn tragic I won't be as loved. What a bummer. I hope to forget it when I'm away from it all.