My Birthday????? (me recapping the last 4 years pls don't read this lol)

Okay, dude- i hope this doesn't seem like a vent or something, i am writing this as a look backwards, and honest retrospective of my past years. I am turning 16 next Monday, and it's such a weird weird feeling. I mean, if you asked me 3 years ago i would have told you i would be dead before i made it this far, if you asked me 5 years ago i would have said the same. I wasted so much of my life rotting away instead of enjoying it because i was always just waiting for it to end, and i realized that at 14. Here is me trying to piece together my fragmented memories for my own sake. 

At 12, I was tossed into my first relationship, with a girl that was 14 turning 15 that next month. Now at the time I ignored that, because well- she was so kind! No one had ever been so kind to me before, so loving, and at that point in my life that was all i wanted. So i stayed with her, despite her misgendering and deadnaming me at every turn, despite her pulling me deeper into depression, despite her making me do things i did not want to do but couldn't fight because we were alone, oh and i guess despite her making me hangout with this other person who hated my guts for being with her (bc she wanted her too ig?? they were legally cousins too btw) I will neverr get back my image from how i looked at 12 and half of 13 because of her man. I wont even go into the full extent of horrible horrible trauma i have from this experience because I find it inappropriate, i have only fully shared how far she went with one singular person- and that was very recently, and i cried while talking about it. I just lowkey hope she rots!!! 

At 13, after being with the demon for 6(??) months, I had a crush on a girl. She was new, not from here, and she had the coolest red hair and messenger bag, I shared one class with her, and invited her to sit with me (I don't think she ended up staying in that class, but really i cant remember.) For a while nothing really came of it, she was quiet and i was quiet and had never been the one to start friendships, let alone relationships. And then, a second demon appeared, one that i at first did not meet in person, but everyone else i sort of knew knew him, so i gave him a chance- at this time i was still friends with who i thought was my best friend for 7 years, someone that i let keep coming back even after they would get upset with me over summer and leave me alone, i tore myself up inside trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what i could do to make her like me again, what i could do to make her tell me why. She never told me why, and i don't care anymore, hell sometimes I forget she was ever my friend. Anyways, she did nawt like this guy, and thank goodness she didn't because if she had i might've dated him- and not willingly. I don't even wanna talk about this dude because he scarred me too and i refuse to give my memories of him any time, i'll just say that there are some photos that will never leave my head. So this dude was a freak to me for a while, he was arguably obsessed with me, similar to how demon #1 was- but i eventually with the help of my at the time circle was able to remove myself from that situation. I don't remember how long the gap between these two situations was, but then i was finally with that girl, yeahh thats right i sucked it up (my friends had to reintroduce us and then i was just like a loser idek) At the time it was the nicest 3 months ever, looking back i realize we were probably terrible for eachother, both going through rough patches and terrible at communication. She ended up breaking up with me and i was sad about it and all, I never ever felt negatively towards her after like a few weeks, it was lowkey my fault yk? But someone else hated her, i suppose because i liked her and not them for a time, i did not get the time to emotionally recover and ponder this relationship because the next thing i knew- i was in a groupchat and being sent some stupid website. I remember i cried in confusion, I should've healed, but i was never very good at saying no. 

 At 14, i dated a boy- because I said yeah, okay. It was chill, we hung out all summer, it might be the most he had been outside in years really, maybe me too. To be quite honest, I wish he hadn't asked me out maybe ever? That entire summer i still couldn't see him as anything but a friend, I mean barely knew him, and i still was not over my ex eitherr whoops. Terrible thing to do to someone, but i was put on the spot okay- i don't even remember when he sent me whatever he did, i dont remember much at all about that summer other than that it was really really hot and we got harassed by kids on golf carts. We lasted through my freshmen year in high-school, i didn't see him at school anymore because he was a grade behind me, so i felt pretty alone again. Still internally struggling with the fact that I felt like i didn't like him enough to be more than his friend. Keep in mind, he saw demon #2 more than he saw me, luckily for me i know. Freshmen year was so bad that i really don't remember anything but the bad parts, and very few of them at that. But that summer was better, we hung-out again all summer, with a third wheel most of the time, but i tried my best to make it not feel that way, in all honesty i felt like the third wheel most times. This was pre- 'hey i have terrible problems with attention and validation' thing was realized so i did nott really deal with this properly either, is anyone else seeing a pattern?? 

That summer, i turned 15, and boy did i somehow get worse, the rest of summer was really insane, but it was nice to have someone to be with, i finally felt how i thought i should about that relationship, but im not sure how long that lasted. To my credit, I have also unpacked that this was a part of the lasting effects of my first ever relationship, which affected my relationship with all things physical, she taught me that that was what made a relationship, and i have been trying to unlearn that ever since. But then sophomore year began, which feels like just yesterday, I met two people who are now my best friends, two people who have made my life infinitely better. They helped me realize that how things were going was not how things should ever go for anyone, granted this came from one of them more than the other, because we shared a lot of past experiences- she actually knew demon #1 way back when, which helped me learn so many more terrible things about them. But long story short, after a lot of inner turmoil, i told myself it was time for a change. And I tried to change, I tried to grow, but I was tied down to the ground by all the people around me, I was suffocating. I watched everyone around me stay stagnant, unchanged, I even watched some get worse. At the same time these new friends helped me, let me freak out about everything. I realized I couldn't bring myself to leave these people even though i knew i needed to, because everyone I knew shared one circle, if I lost one of them- wouldn't I lose them all? That thought kept me stagnant along with everyone else, along with him, made me feel selfish for wishing anybody could actually give a damn about how I felt. For as long as i can remember, i've always become the bad guy for setting my boundaries, for trying to free myself, hell, for trying to BE myself. I owe a lot of my growth to my now friends, they helped me learn what true friends are really like, helped me learn that quality over quantity stretches beyond just art, and now saying 'i love you' is something i can comfortably say again, ever since i was twelve i hadn't been able to speak that to even my parents (guess who's fault that was) 

After the long days and short weeks, school was over. Its now present time! it is summer and it is hot- but i am doing the best i have ever been doing, no more constant therapy visits, no more sitting on a device talking to people that made me feel worse, no more dealing with constant negativity. I was free (i have said that a lot this past year, if you know me irl you know) And now, this time next week, i will be 16, and im sure things will change again. But for now im not going to worry about that, and now thanks to this long ass rant, i feel a little lighter. Ive promised myself to focus on the present, and i feel like i can finally do that. Last thursday, i fulfilled a lifelong dream, this weekend i am going to bring my best pals to the lake i grew up on, something ive wanted to do all my life, and i know its going to be wonderful. And even if sometimes things don't seem as wonderful, with that lunatic being in office and all, i know that i can just tune out for a little bit, because i am only a teenager. And to be even more honest, i know one specific person is probably reading this right now, i know they're on this platform mostly to stalk me, I bet they think i stalk them right back, and, i don't- but if it helps them feel better, i really truly don't care. I hope they have grown and changed without me just as i have flourished now that we are apart. 

And as a final little message to myself and anyone else, because sometimes i need to remind myself of it- More friends is not always better, never ever try and force people to like you, do not ever change yourself for them, do not ever hide yourself for them. Be yourself and be yourself loudly, you cant make people like you, you just cant, so do not try- you're only hurting yourself. May you find your people just as i have found mine, and when you do you will realize that everyone else you thought was a good friend was simply the bare minimum.