Loss

Loss is bitter. I could end the blog here, simply saying that loss is a bitter feeling and an even bitter taste. Grief is the same. It's a medicine that tastes so unnervingly disgusting. Something necessary but awful. Today I lost my uncle. A handyman and mechanic. The stereotypical drunk tío at every party. A man that was quiet but happy. A man that, on the day I took graduation pictures with my sister and cousin, looked to us and cried for the first time in years.

Loss is already so bitter, but knowing that loss is approaching feels worse somehow. To be helpless is horrifying. The day I found out my uncle had to be sent to the hospital, everyone thought he had at least a few months. With every test, they found more issues. It could've been just a simple drug problem, but it only got worse. They sent him home so in the end, we could only try to stifle our cries around him. It went from months to a month or so. A month to weeks. Just yesterday my mother told me that it would be any day now. Today at 8:30, he left.

I guess now it's starting to hit me. The tears pricking my eyes only make typing harder. It feels sort of shameful to cry. Knowing that nothing could be done hurts, but living it must've been torture. I hate to know he's gone, but I hope he's as quiet as peaceful as he's always been. It just stings, you know?

People say a lot about death. Maybe he's safe in some paradise. Some people say death should be celebrated, knowing that they are free and will live on in the memories of one's mind. Some say he's a ghost. Every belief is calming to someone. I'm not at all religious, so I hardly find comfort in those words, but I know he was. If it exists, it should hold him safely. When I'm not stricken with grief, maybe I can talk with my family about all that he's done and cheer for the fact he did live. If he's a ghost, he'd be so kind. In the end, loss is still bitter no matter how we cope. 

I can't end this correctly. What I will say is that for anyone that has just had some sort of loss in their life, I hope you are okay and healing. No matter if it's a pet, a family member, a friend, a relationship, or something you saw on Instagram a few minutes ago, I hope you're okay. In a way, I think that is my comfort. Thinking that despite the pain, everyone will be okay someday. To my uncle, may you rest as peacefully as you always have.