Need

I can't take it anymore. I seriously need this off my chest, it's annoying shoving it deep down inside me as I feel I am lying to myself. I'm a needy attention seeker, I like it when I'm shown acknowledgement. It makes me feel good when I'm thought of, because I feel I am no importance to anyone. I am no one's special person. This doesn't necessarily bug me as much as it used to. I feel in my mind I've created a fantasy of how I wanted friendships to be. No, did I even care about the people who's attention I wanted? The recognition, the acknowledgment, it was the closest thing I felt to feeling necessary as an artist. I wanted more of that recognition, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be praised. I wanted that 'love'. I didn't care who it came from, if they liked my art they liked me, and if their reaction was less than that I'd see it as rejection. 

I was desperate for that connection, desperate for that idea of love, so I continued doing what I love with the wrong intentions. That's why I was never fulfilled. I always found myself in this loop. "This is so good! I have to share this, others will love this!" I'd find myself thinking. It's so dumb to address this now and think back to the amount of times I let myself be disappointed because my art didn't receive enough positive recognition. No one owes me that. I shouldn't value my passion based on acknowledgement. But I did, that's why I'd get so discouraged. I buried so many emotions into my art, my characters, my love, my desire, my need, my greed. I wanted people to pay attention to me, to see I wasn't nothing, to see I wasn't to be so easily forgotten. I wanted an imaginary bond to soothe all my lonely thoughts, as a bandage, a buffer. I dreamt of friendships, no I imagined that we were friends in a sense. Like some deluded idiot who clings to the first bit of affection tossed at me like a dog lunging at scraps on the streets! It makes me so mad that I acted like that. It upsets me, that to this day those habits linger, and those emotions and thoughts trickle in.

Feelings, emotions, connections, comfort, BAH, they were the desperate wants of a lonely teen. Myself. I was greedy, I lied to myself, I beat myself up over nothing. I wasted so much unneeded time seeking for a place to be, a place where I was put on a pedestal. A place where my absence would bother people. I found myself wanting to get accustomed to others who would entertain me with their attention, I wanted to be there for them, I would want their consistent approval. I'd practically throw myself at whoever gave me time. I'd ramble on to random strangers, people who I knew I'd never talk to again because they approached me FIRST. Apart me, the sickening, desperate part would pour out so much. I don't think I even actually cared about those people, I just wanted the attention they could give me, and I glue myself to them just to have more. There were some I cared about, and it'd devastate me when I wouldn't receive acknowledgement from them when I wanted it for something like my thought, my art, when I'd put myself in conversation where they were present. "That's not healthy..." You may think as you read this. You're right, it's not, it wasn't. That's why I'm writing this out to rid myself of it. I always feared people disliking me, because to me, that was unattainable praise, praise lost. Who would commend someone they disliked? 

I feared being shunned, because that was my idea of love being violently torn away from me. Without that aspect, I don't care what people think of me. Recently I've been wanting to shove everyone away, keep to myself. I don't want to fall back into those habits. I don't want to act like a needy child. I don't want pity, I don't want acknowledgement anymore, it's all fine and dandy, but I don't NEED it, I don't want to create to seek recognition. I don't want to feel the relief of finally being able to share a drawing only to crush myself when it isn't given enough praise, enough likes. Dear God in Heaven, I thank you for removing this from me, this mortal curse that is being an attention seeking people pleaser. 

I'm turning twenty next year, the only time I should be having these thoughts is on my period. (Which funny enough I'm more open and chatty during that vulnerable time.)