i dont feel better

i thought maybe i would feel purpose... that the thoughts of running away or dying would leave my mind. i love spending time with my boyfriend and all but i still feel these feelings of wanting to get away from everything... sometimes i even wish i didnt have anyone who i was close to or cared about me so it would be easy to leave everything behind. i wish i could disappear and no one would remember me. like what herminone did to her family in harry potter. taken from everyones knowledge, everyones existance. erased from all family photos and government records... just like i didnt exist. everytime i hold hands with him i just think about how i wish we werent attached together so i could easily leave and run away... start a new life or none at all. i need to get better or end this soon.