Greetings this is GOD (no not that one one the other one) here to give you all the Uncle George story with out Oolong's stupid side adventure (Rip John Gar Gar Garcia). so enjoy all of the adventures from 1453-1499, GOD OUT.

The Birth and Childhood of Zio Georginio (1453-1471)

Before he was a uncle he was a Zio, in 1453 Zio Georginio was born (okay I got a slightly older uncle got a problem) to parents Helga of the house of Fachwerk and his father Orm "the Viking" Alwin. Zio was born to what you might call a broken home, Seriously Ottoman Soldiers sieged the wall of Constantinople as Zio first saw the light of life.

Now I could tell you the long and complex story of how Zio's Parents escaped the crumbling city and set towards Italy on a venetian ship only to go through the alps and many states of the Holy roman Empire only to settle down in the County Megen in 1457...but no. So by the time Zio was four years old he and his family settled down in Megen which is now part of the Netherlands (Try attacking us now Ottomans). although Zio finally had a home, he hated it, for starters he couldn't speak German, in fact the only language Zio could speak was Mongolian until he was 12 ( we don't know how but don't worry about it) so making friends was quite hard. that was until 1463 when he finally met his only friend/enemy, Carl, Carl in Uncle George's words 

"Carl was intolerable little shit but was also the only person who would talk to me"

The two boys would fight each other day and night, at one point in 1467 the two boys would play the traditional sport of Schlong Kicking for a day straight  to see who was the strongest, it ended in a draw, this depressed Zio. this was the most depressing thing that happened to him that day, followed by the death of his father which was also bad he guessed

" inky pinky ponkey, Daddy bought a donkey, Daddy died, Donkey cried, inky pinky ponkey"

with his father's death, Zio was left with the home and farm which was a plus, but over time Zio got bored of his shitty life as a farmer. So he decided to abandon his mother (which was the style of the time) and at the age of 18 left his farm to an unknown fate, also know as going to Castile.

Zio Georginio Travels to Rome (1471-1473)

So off Zio went, traveling with only himself, a barrel of ale and a disgruntled donkey, set off towards Castile, but unfortunately Zio didn't take into account he couldn't read a map or compass... in fact he was hopeless at doing anything with direction. so after traveling in circles for two weeks straight which led to him running out of ale and killing his donkey, Zio figured out he needed to go one way, which was that way. This led him to the city of Calais where he met the most, terrifying, unclean and most uncivilised people he had ever met to this day The English (they appear a whole lot more in this story). he stayed within Calais for two months to resupply and recuperate, which he ended up doing none of this for Calais pubs and brothels were full of English people which made his experience more of a hassle (everywhere smelt like a mixture of a fish market and a swamp). this is what he had to say about the stay as a whole

"you don't know the true meaning of depression until you have eel pie."

So Zio rushed out there as fast he could not even to ask why the fuck they care so much about roses. Traveling through the French country side Zio found himself thinking the same thing day in day out, god this is boring. eventually Zio Reached the the Pyrenees mountains. he looked at this large and intimidating mountain range which seemed to scrape the skies. Zio looked up at them his chest puffed in confidence and knew one thing, that shit is way to scary I'm taking a boat. so in the spring of 1472 set sail on a boat which the captain said was going to Homa, huh funny name to call home but uncle George didn't judge (to much). so over the seas and in a short time ( he lost count of the days) reached the shore of Castile where it was more beautiful then he imagined the city he was in was amazing with marble statues, grand churches... gladiator arenas, wait a minute, homa, homa, Roma, Rome, SHIT. Not only did he not make it to Castile is went the wrong way. Uncle George isn't 100% sure how he did it but in his words

"The English scared me to the point of barrelling the wrong way"         

So he personally blames the English for that blunder ( Eel pie does things to you). so it's not what he wanted but still it could've been worse, so he spent the rest of 1472-1473 doing small jobs around the city as wells as mingling with the locals, they were all posh and boring. which included a man in a large funny hat...wait.

The Pope Incident (1474)

Although Zio by this point was a good(ish) Catholic boy. Zio like many people from Mergen, didn’t know if the pope was real or not. Many living in the area used the pope as a way to make naughty children behave by saying things like “Eat your gruel or the pope will beat you” something around those lines. So to learn that not only was the pope real, Zio was now in beating distance of him so to make sure he was not punished severely he befriended the pope to be on the safe side (yeah don’t ask how Uncle George did this, he just has a knack for it). So very quickly the pope and Zio B.B.Fs the Pope said it stood for Bottom Boys Forever, what ever that means. One day after prayer Zio decided to pull a prank on The Pope. So hiding in the popes wine cellar to play a trick on him. You see Zio has this thing he can do where he can up the pitch of his voice to sound like a child. So the idea was simple, make it sound like some quire boy was messing around in his wine cellar. As he heard the footsteps of the pope he commenced his scheme. However it work to well for when the pope heard Zio he ran off down the hall, returning five minutes later naked covered in olive oil. In Zio mind it clicked. OH YEAH ROMAN STYLE WRESTLING MATCH, BRING IT ON! Now what happened next I can’t say for there may be children reading but I’ll let Uncle George explain

“I’m not Gay I simply was performing a move of dominance”

After the wine room wrestle, and Zio realising what the pope original motive was Zio bolted out of the Cellar with the pope going after him with a limp and a sore asshole. After this Zio left Rome for planning to go north but his bad sense of direction got the better of him and he went south to the kingdom of Sicily to hide knowing the pope would go to Castile. This is why the Spanish Inquisition was formed by the pope, to bring the head of the man who blew the popes back out. Now Zio had to wait for all this to blow over.

Hide and seek (1474-1484)

Zio was expecting a slightly long period of hiding...but he didn't expect to go on for 10 YEARS. he spent this time in Sicily spending his days being paranoid and growing olives, and to be clear not harvesting just growing (it take like 8 years for them to grow). he planted his first olive trees in 1476. during this time he remembered something his father once said "Son, it's noble to perform a move of dominance on your enemy, Just never on the pope or he will tell on you to god who may smite you, Now eat your gruel or the pope will beat you". Zio in those day of hiding wished for there to be a religion where the pope wasn't involved and everyone could speak to god directly which could be used to do evil deeds and justify them under religious reasoning...but that would never happen. Finally in 1484 news got the ears of Zio that the Pope was dead, FINALY!, by this point Zio was 31, which is weird cause he still felt and looked 21 ( more on that later)but that didn't matter for now was finally the time to go to Castile, the whole point of abandoning his original life of farming.

Finally Castile (1484)

When the time came Zio smuggled himself onto a Aragon trading ship which took them straight to Barcelona. from there he ran off this ship ( the crew was tired of him trauma dumping eel pie) and head as fast has he could to marid, the Capital of the kingdom of Castile. He had done it, reached the destination he worked literal decades to get to he was standing on. breathing the air and walking it's people, magnificent...now what.

Waiting for something to happen (1484-1487)

now even though Zio knew he could cure this boredom by joining in on what ever they where doing to the people of Granada (maybe they were playing sports or some shit) Zio wasn't interested in these Castilian sports, like who in there right mind wants to go toe to toe with a bull, that'll never catch on. So to cure this lack of purpose once again he took on various odd jobs such as, a builder, a baker, NOT a candle stick maker and a brief stint as a youth pastor. But of course the job he found himself working once again, farming. Zio saw himself as one of the greatest farmers in the world (even though only 45% of his crops succeed but don't worry about it) however he hated farming, but it was something to do.

The Letter (1487)

While toiling in the field one sunny day (just because it's sunny doesn't mean it's a good day) when he saw a man standing out at the edge a field. Zio walked up to man ready to kill him believing the man to be a tax collector. However when he got closer he recognised the man in front of him, it was the farmer he dumped his mother with all those years ago. The man introduced himself as Bran ( Zio didn’t care to ask his name when he threw his mother at him) and came with news. Zio’s mother was dead, she died after a pissed off pilgrim delivering a letter to her punched her ( many pilgrims were pissed off all the time due to gout ridden joints), her final words were for Bran to take care of there farm and daughter. Of course Bran wasn’t about to take orders from a women so after he found out the letter was actually for Zio ( no wonder the pilgrim was pissed off) he sold his farm and dumped his daughter at his local church, and set off to find Zio ( yeah Bran was kind of a dick). now back to Zio and Bran in a field, now Bran was going to hand the letter to Zio but it had gotten lost during his travels but luckily he did read the letter multiple times (see asshole) and in Bran's words the letter said:

To Zio 

I am dying as of right now. but I write to you to warn you of a curse I passed down to you. you see when during my life I noticed I barley aged a day past 20, I was 20 in 853 and lived 600 years only aging in decades. this curse skips a generation and now it attaches to you. you will live to see more moons then any man before you. anyway I must get back to dying now enjoy your long life 

from Grandpa Olwen

After telling Zio of his newly found disease Bran wished him well and left only to be murder by a bandit before he got to the end of the field. now in this situation when you've suddenly told that your practically immortal and will be forced to walk the earth far longer then you want to, you might feel a level of unease. Zio felt this unease of his new burden, AND THEN HE FREAKED THE FUCK OUT

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The Pain in Spain (1487-1492)

Zio had nothing to lose now so as one does he went completely berserk and began by setting fire to the farm (it wasn't even his he just worked the fields) and then stole the farmers clothes which he didn't even wear as during this period he wore nothing, just a sack. he spent this period performing highway robberies as well many nefarious deed such as pillaging, bribery, prostitution, cow tipping and baby throwing. 

" I was going through a phase, nothing to serious" 

This phase however got attention of King Ferdinand the new king of a Spain (dumb name it won't last) who after finishing playing with the people of Granada (where did they go?) decided something had to be done about this feral man running amuck in the country side.

Escape to "India" (1492)

knowing it was only a matter of time before the king had his head for petty crimes. Zio Remembered there being whispers of a unpleasant looking Genoian planning of traveling across the seas and going the other way to get to India, which was dumb...the earth was flat they'd fall off (Uncle George to this day believes the world is flat. he has strange beliefs but carrying on) but knowing he had little choice, India was the place for him. so hopping on a ship and throwing the first person he saw over board to make room, set off for India. the journey was long and...oh wait were here, unfortunately for Zio this was in fact not India for he realised that when getting off the ship when a woman gave him a Toothy smile and smelling of eel pie said

"ELLO DARLING YOU EAR ABOUT THEM LOOKIN FOR THE TACHMIHALL" 

Zio had escaped the Spanish only to find himself in a hell no man should be forced to live in. ENGLAND

 Hell, England 1492-1499

Zio was trapped. usually if he wanted to leave somewhere he would pack his things and leave but there was one problem. Zio was on an island...and he couldn't swim (he still can't to this day). He was Trapped with no hope of returning to Spain due to the king being angry with him (he didn't do anything to bad the king was simply being a pussy). So as any normal person in his situation would do, Zio moved himself into the London bridge, a cramped unhygienic place where the only things to do were fish, fish, fish some more and get blacked out drunk on Sermon wine. 

 During one of these drunken stupors an idea popped into Zio's head

"mggmmggmggmgmgm...WOMEN!"

he then proceeded to puke on himself and fall asleep, but when he awoke he began work on building the best Brothel in London. first he found a place to turn into his brothel, it was next to a Church (I'm sure there fine with it). next he found the most important part ,women (....and a pig) these ladies most descent women Zio could find and they were, Barbra, Margret, Thatcher, Barbra 2, daisy and the most popular of them all, Sneaky David (he really understood men's needs). With this winning team the brothel immediately became a success when it opened in 1494 and kept the success wagon going for 3 years. However all good thing must come to an end, this end being the church next door coming over in the dead of night, stealing the pig and setting the brothel on fire ( I guess they weren't fine with it) but Zio got the last laugh as the fire spread to the church burning it down as well. after the fire fiasco 5 of the women died in the fire, except for Sneaky David who made it out in one piece. after losing the Brothel Zio left London and Sneaky David ( Sneaky David would go on to start a fish and      store since chips hadn't been invented yet). Zio was lost and spent two year wandering the English country side stealing chickens and chamber pots, trying to take his mind off the fact he was stuck in England no way out. That was until men with funny accents raiding a small village he was staying in came and enslaved Zio, taking him some where called, Scotland...which sounded weird but was probably better then England.