Entry #036 - Touching Sand

The month of May was crammed full of... stuff. Unpleasant stuff. 

For starters, my ex-husband belongs in prison, and I am taking the steps to make that happen. (Happy Pride Month...) Another incident involving him happened recently, and he has repeatedly demonstrated that he is not ready to participate in society with the rest of us normal folks. He should have never been released in the first place. This whole situation has been very triggering and detrimental to my emotional state. What a draining month. 

My housing situation has been distressing, and after speaking with a loan officer at my bank... I've come to realize that my goals are a lot further out of reach than I had hoped. My life has been shifting from plan A, to B, to C, etc. and the lack of stability is stressing me out. The continuous stress is affecting me physically, too. 

On top of my own personal stressors, I have a number of people in my life who add to it, whether it's intentional or not. I care deeply for my loved ones, and I want to help, but I can barely keep my own raft afloat right now. I've been in survival mode for almost a full year. It's exhausting!

Despite everything, I've been snatching every possible opportunity to de-stress outdoors now that the weather has improved. It's sunny and warm every day, so I can spend more time outside. Touching grass, as the kids say. Or, in my case, touching sand. I've been making trips to the beach with friends and family. I actually have another coast trip coming up in 2 weeks with my favorite co-worker. ♥ It costs me almost nothing to visit the Pacific Ocean because I am fortunate enough to live about an hour away from the nearest beach. 

I recently had the most pleasant day ever with my bestie and her partner, and two silly dogs. We built a campfire on the beach, roasted S'mores, smoked a joint, and watched the sun set over the horizon. What a perfect day! I got home at about 1:00 in the morning smelling like wood smoke and feeling like my old Oregonian self again. 

I also have an appointment coming up with my brand-new therapist and I am champing at the bit to meet her. I have my happy moments, but I am still desperate for help lol. Trying to wing it without professional guidance has been... scary? The suicidal ideations never fully leave my tired brain. Any minor inconvenience causes me to spiral, but I've been lucky enough to control it so far. 

I am hopeful that things will start turning around for me soon if I continue to persevere and maintain a glass-half-full outlook. It's challenging, but I will try my best.

Oh, another random note: I had an older sister who passed away. Today's her birthday, so my mom and I went and bought her a beautiful strawberry cake. She would have been 32 years old today. The cake is gorgeous, and I can't wait to try a slice.