life right now [6/6/25]

tw: suicide and self-harm

we're halfway through the year, isn't that cool? i thought i wouldn't even make it until now. but i did. i survived.

it's my birthday in 5 months (november 24) and i'm not exactly stoked about it. my past few birthdays have been SHIT -- someone always has to ruin it. i hope i can make it through this one without crying. 

things have not really been great for the past four-ish years. april this year especially was a REALLY rough fucking time. i cried every SINGLE day in april. i'm on summer break right now and i'm so glad because school was one of the major reasons i was stressed. my parents have been nagging me about what university i'll go to for YEARS. which by the way literally is not normal because I'M NOT EVEN CLOSE TO COLLEGE AGE YET. im literally like a little kid to some of you. (ik there are uncs here lmao) i feel like they just want to use me to like brag to people like if someone says "my kid attended xyz" they'll be able to say "well MY kid attended HARVARD" but can they AT LEAST wait until i'm even old enough to go to university?? unnecessary pressure on me for no reason.

honors classes start this year and i'm good at english so i'm scared i'll be put in honors. i dont care if it looks good on my record i DON'T want to spend extra hours of my life doing english. i was in honors before it genuinely wasn't fun at all and i dont want to go through it again but of course my parents dont give a shit about what i want they just want me to get good grades to apply to yale or something. 

but mentally i'm not great but im not bad either. i can confidently say i'm a LOT better than i was in april. 2024 especially was a really bad year for me too. so i dont want to kill myself every day anymore and i dont cry every day now. i do have downs obviously but they're not as frequent as they were before. however i dont really have any ups either. a game i like, "ultrakill", will be showing a sneak peak of a new update on june 8th. and i wish i was more excited about it. a few months ago i really liked ultrakill, like a lot, now it's ... just another game i have. i dont get excited about things anymore, im really apathetic and it's scaring me but thats a topic for another time. but yeah im just okay. im doing alright. im not doing good but im not doing bad either. im tired as fuck but it's okay. i don't want to die. not for now at least.

i've been clean of self harm since january and im happy about that i guess. my mom found out and she slapped me and threatened to take me to the psych ward so yay im scared of mental health professionals now ^_^ thanks mom! but i havent found any reason to cut since january and i'd rather keep it that way for now.

thanks for taking the time to read this. or if you skimmed through it or got bored and left idk. thanks to the ones who stuck around and read this in its entirety instead of reading keywords or closing the browser tab yall are real ones. until next time