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Maybe it's just me but whenever I realize my mental health is improving, I feel this sense of dread. I think it's because depression was all I knew for a long time. I don't do well with change, so not crying so often might be uncomfortable for me. I also just like how raw sadness is. It feels good to cry for some reason. or maybe its because it makes me feel more interesting.
Like obviously it feels good to be happy, but something inside me is telling me I shouldn't. I don't understand why I want to be sad when I had spent days praying to be normal. It effected everything. My art wasn't at it's full potential, the idea of getting up in the morning was daunting. But it feels like being sad is a key part to who I am.
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Kei_Kore/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\
Whenever I feel happy, I feel like I am for the wrong reasons. I only feel happy when I do something that only includes me and no one else. My depression got so bad that I even thought of hurting others before me. Like I've always hated my mom and I once thought of beating her up. I get so mad at the people around me because it seemed like my suffering doesn't matter and that it's just the demon's doing. I'm feeling better and my depression seems to subside but the fact that I used to think that way makes me want to hurt myself again. You're not alone bud, many others can relate like me, and I wish you the best that one day we all can live happily without any need to hate ourselves and others
thank you ^^ I wish you well too.
by Jovenile; ; Report
asterisk*
It's the same for me. Maybe it stems from a fear of not being valid, or it's really just the comfort of familiarity. And maybe if it has started at a young age it sort of mixes in with the process of developing an identity. For me it almost solidified as a literal worldview. Hell, even my sense of joy and pain got mixed up because for some reason every time I feel a great amount of joy my body starts hurting and my self-destructive and violent urges return. Like, if I get very excited about something I will immediately feel the need to bang my head against a wall (or even worse things that I won't mention) the next moment and I don't even know why. So uh, that's that. Remember that you aren't alone in this and a lot of people share the experience. Wishing you the best
A worldview is the perfect way to describe it. Thanks for sharing your experience with this.
by Jovenile; ; Report
You're welcome!
by asterisk*; ; Report