how university fucked my mental health in two years

you know what, this post will be a reminder for a future me, that I WILL NEVER GO THORUGH THIS AGAIN. No masters, no second bachelors, NO. I tried to pass my bachelors thesis last year, what happened? Oh, so my lecturer was so dumb that after almost 9 months of actually doing my bachelors and almost finishing it, other lecturers said to me "you know what, your topic sucks so much, you have to redo everything" (i didn't choose topic, my lecturer did, she thought it was amazing). So i just gave up and thought "oh next year i'll start with a new lecturer and new topic, brand new start, everything's gonna be okay, no stress". The results - it was the worst year ever.

So tomorrow, less than in 24 hours i'll know if i passed or not. That's it. I'm feeling pretty confident that everything will be totally fine. But what's not fine is my mental health.

I tried to get a diploma for 2 years, i wrote 2 different bachelor's topics. For those two years i forgot what it's like to live stress free, to sleep well, have energy to do anything or talk with people about stuff other than bachelor's thesis. FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS. I constantly get panic attacks, i'm constantly in stress, my body doesn't function normally anymore. I have no idea what has to happen to me that i could say "oh, so maybe masters now?" BYE. 

I fucking hate two years of my life. Constant stress, no normal sleep, food or relax. Nothing, just constant stress. I didn't have any normal christmas, birthdays, mom or father days, nothing where i could spend at least a day with my family and be chill. Why? BECAUSE I HAD TO DO AT LEAST SOMETHING WITH BACHELORS EVERY DAY. My mom is scared to even look at me, i look exhausted so much that it is scary. 

And the funny part is, I HATE MY BACHELORS THESIS. That stuff i did is total shit and that's the reason i'm kinda scared i will not pass. But i promised to myself that i will, that everything's gonna be fine. I just have a hope that after 24 hours I'll feel relieve. For the first time after two years. 

You know what's also funny. I don't need this bachelors shit to have a job. I'm fucking IT person, they don't ask for degrees here. So you wanna say, i spent 5 years of my life, and exactly 2 years CONSTANTLY STRESSING 24/7 FOR NOTHING? Yes, I did. The only reason I have to pass it, it's because i'll have to pay money i don't have for dropping out. That's it.

I fucking hate my university, my lecturers and my bachelor's thesis. They actually ruined my life by taking the most valuable stuff i have - my time and my health. I FUCKING HATE IT SO IT'LL BETTER END TOMORROW OR I WILL NOT PASS THOUGH THIS.