Stress and deep stuff (Personal)

I need to write down my thoughts more. I think I keep them too much to myself that I no longer know how to articulate them properly. They’re all just… more feeling than anything. Like how I feel inside about things and it’s really hard to describe it at all. 

Like… let’s say with… getting a job. I am terrified of doing that. I don’t want to go out on my own, drive to a place and do work in a way that is satisfactory enough to get paid. Why the hell do I have to do all of this just to get some made up thing that the world decided is important?

I dunno… I think I was mostly always in this mindset of “why do I have to”, but I think it got way fucking worse a couple of years ago when my parents and like… the whole world started losing their minds. For my parents, it’s the rapture. They keep telling me that “it’s coming and you better be ready” and because of it they have pushed even fucking harder on me and my brother that we need to go to church and do bible studies and pray and blah blah I don’t fucking care anymore. Like actually, having them push it on me so much has made me fucking hate it all and legit I want to die most of the time just so I don’t have to deal with all of this bullshit. Actually- I wish I didn’t even exist so I didn’t have to even see if heaven or hell or the afterlife even exist because I want none of it. 

Another thing is that the world is also going to literal shit and honestly I’m just fucking done. I can’t even find motivation to do what I used to love anymore because like, what is the fucking point?? Id the rapture is happening, I know for a fact that I am not going up, and with my parents telling me how terrible the tribulation is going to be I am pretty sure as soon as they and all of my Christian family are gone, I am either running off to disappear in the wilderness and probably die, or I’m offing myself straight away. I know this is all dark and whatever but I have been feeling all of this for fucking years and I am legit surprised I haven’t lost my mind for real. 

Not to mention I am so fucking lonely because of how I never leave my house. I literally only leave when my parents make me. If it weren’t for them forcing me to, I would never even leave my room. I have no friends in person, everyone I talk to is online and even then it’s only a handful. It fucking sucks but I cannot even make myself go out on my own. I have no desire to or reason to. I don’t know… I’m dying here, and I actually hope that this rapture comes so I can be free of all this shit… I’m tired. I want someone to hold me. Just hold me for eternity. Not just anyone either… I need it to be comfortable in every way so I can finally feel some kind of peace for once. I’m so fucking tired.