Sigh

Hello official day 3 of summer break

still tired and overstimulated and sorta depressed and sappy

Basically I had some kind of dream related to my physics teacher yesterday and today in some random context

i dont remember what yesterday's was about but the one for today was about how there were livestock cows?? out in our neighborhood???? and I was running away and I saw my physics teacher in one of the fleeing cars

yeah idfk

idkidkidk ugh i complained ab it to a couple of my friends but the past week Ive been mentioning ohh im gonna miss him like every hour or smth so i bet theyre annoyed by it now so im gonna! stop mentioning it to this specific friend group! at least!

I'm just in this weird stage of processing this specific feeling and its like ive been sent back to freshman year again when the seniors graduated

like honestly i didnt really gaf much ab him for most of the year and i think the final month before graduation i just got attached back to him

its the graduation blues guys its like what the ppl say like u dont know how important something is until its taken away

but i do have a mini rebuttal to that saying i feel like its more of the value being derived from the absence more than it coming first as an innate trait

or i might be wrong bc im sort of in denial of how much I'll miss him and stuff bc idk i dont think most of my friends will really miss any staff this much (except my fatherless behavior ppl) so even as I'm typing all of these feelings down I feel like some freak with a weird obsession

but also another weird part of this feeling is that I also have this prediction that I'll kinda not gaf at all after a few months...which makes these emotions feel more artificially crafted by the context of this moment. And I kinda just feel sad ab that too?? like just not missing him anymore ig bc it would be like idgaf ab him anymore

^I also feel this way for fixations I have on different medias (games, movies, shows) like lets say I get really obsessed with this anime and I'm drawing fanart and scrolling pinterest and having fun but i have these fleeting moments of realizing how in a few months I'll probably be over it and have moved on to a new fixation and it makes me sorta sad?? like its just the thing ab how once youre enamored by something you just want to assume that itll go on permanently 

Back in freshman year when I was extra dramatic and weird and cringe and had this crush on one of the graduating seniors i was delusional enough to think I'll wait 3 years and go to the same school and into the same major as him and then id finally have a chance w him OMG. KILL YOURSELF NOW BRUH. 

yeah so i know this gut wrenching "OoOjmg im gonna miss my teachers" is something pretty temporary...and that reassures me in a way because missing someone is not pleasant or pretty when its constantly bugging you...and as mentioned before theres the fact that this obsession in itself is uncomfy...like I feel like a freak + its a bit degrading of my masculinity iyk what i mean

These are the kinds of feelings and processes I should learn to power through though because there will be more of this once I have to part with my friends :(

so thats basically it. im gonna miss my physics teacher. thats kind of it. and idk what the next step is. would it be wiser to just try to chase off this feeling or do i just hold on to it??? I mean in a way it is nice to feel something I guess. like its not the most pleasant feeling but its a more rare kind of feeling to feel in your life and so it kind of makes you feel like you're living life. But it is stressful. I wish I could just go to school rn and sit in his classroom and watch the juniors present their physics project thingies bbllluerghgh. but i cant do that

yeah i think it is probably better if I just try to clear out my thoughts on this matter. theres nothing much i could do ab it otherwise and its kinda stressful. BE NORMALL JEGG!!!!

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Now enough of that I'll talk ab other stuff!!

My CD player arrived recently (like a few days ago) and i also purchased a couple albums from goodwill....AND THERE WERE A LOT OF GOOD FINDS!!!!!! Theres this album I listened to often in quarantine/freshman year titled "Music for Airports" by Brian Eno and i overall did not expect to find brian eno at my local goodwill so i was super excited and omg its so good and its awesome and im actually listening to it rn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BRIAN ENO!!!!!!!!! its like destiny its like i was chosen idk i just feel really lucky to have found it ty to whoever donated it and ty to whoever chose not to buy it bc this baby is mine.....RAHAHAHAHAHA 

I also ordered some custom CDs yesterday on etsy and im very excited....one cd with just loud emo songs I like and another with the lily chou-chou album and a few extra songs GGGAAAJAGGU 

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Texted woke uncle back yesterday with a lot of updates on life and its been good. it was sort of like i was journaling to myself. Giving him all the recaps helped me reflect back on the month too! I want to get back into journaling and I really should. which is why im here anyway!

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On Saturday I spent most of the days editing my senior week vlog and hanging out with this girl

ummm shes really nice but also like tbh shes really boring to hang out with like she doesnt have a lot of interests or like idk i feel like she just doesnt know what she likes. So shes also very indecisive and so yeah like i think she was just trying to go along with whatever i wanted to do which is nice of her but like girl id be hanging out by myself if I wanted full control of the hangout. I think she wants to hang out w me just to be like...productive like i dont even think she really likes me fr that mch???? idk. it was an ok hangout but i think next time I should bring another person along if she asks to hang out

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What im up to now:

Im gonna make a summer break notion page!!! just to plan everything out and feel more organized...and also plan out the rest of my day on google calendar and thennn maybe take a shower and i'll see where I end up from there! The weather's nice rn so maybe I'll go on a walk w my cd player. I doomscrolled for like almost 2 hrs as soon as i woke up and it was really tolling on me but typing all of these down helped me stabilize a bit i think

ty spacehey ily.....and now im off