may may-de me miserable

how strange it is to be anything at all.

what is life, if not a cage specifically created to trap us into a rhythm that we falsely believe to be a product of our own free will? has god forsaken me? are we not all equal in the eyes of god as his children? why must i be tortured to the end of days? my mind is filled with an endless number of questions that will never be answered. when left to my own vices the only thing i can do is try to keep myself from spiraling, overthinking, drowning in my anxiety. how painful it is to be conscious.

endless hours have been spent with my hair greasy, pillowcase streaked with tears. at times it feels indiscernible whether i'm suffocating or if i'm just holding my own breath without knowing. how is it that i have spent twenty-something years on this plane of existence and i am still unable to move on? every year i break down from the realization that i'm the same girl, broken, sullied, miserable. it seems as though everyone else moves on. the world moves so quickly. i'm stuck in one of those nighttime traffic timelapses where the lights trails from the vehicles draw speed lines all around me but i'm encaged within a large bubble floating above, where time seems to drag like swamp. i don't know whether yesterday was last month, if i've eaten dinner or if that was all within my head. i can't remember people i've met or things i've said but that time two years ago at 1am where i bawled my eyes out in the forest soaking in the rain is still fresh in my mind.

i will never ever abandon the idea of love. fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, but no matter how many times i fall victim to my own idyllic version of somebody who doesn't exist, it's bound to happen once more. i oft believe that i am not cut out to love; and yet i yearn, names lingering on my lips, memories playing back in front of my eyes. i dream of scenarios that will never happen, i long for people who will hurt me. to this day i wonder if i will ever meet the right person who'll make me, me. i pine for a love where i am known, understood, changed. i desire to be somebody's muse, somebody's daydream.

quite a short jumble of word salad this month, hope may went better for the rest of you. have a great june :)