Late-Night Rant/Sleep Issues

For the longest time that I can remember, I've had sleeping problems. It's mostly me falling asleep; once I do fall asleep, I'm able to stay asleep. Since summer started, my sleeping problems started up again. 

With my past 3 therapists, we were supposed to figure out something to help me with sleeping. I never can keep a therapist, yes I got lots of issues, but fuck therapy I guess. 

I feel different when I can't sleep, as if I'm someone else. When I go to use the bathroom, and I look at myself in the mirror, it feels like I'm looking at someone else, someone I don't recognize. I guess this is just growing up. It's weird to feel like you're not you.

Right now, as I write this, it's 1:25am and I'm watching Shameless. It's a pretty good show so far, I'm on the last episode of season 2, kinda don't wanna sleep after seeing what I just saw. Spoiler alert, I got to the part where Monica tries to kill herself in the kitchen at Thanksgiving, which brings back some memories.

Anyway, feeling like you're someone else is weird. On top of that, my birthday is coming up, 9 days to be exact. I'll be 20 and I guess really an adult. This may be why sometimes I feel like I'm someone else that I don't know, idk. 

I'm excited for my birthday. I'm planning on getting a tattoo, but not sure if I'll be able to. I'll probably just end up staying in my room all day crocheting. Last year, my birthday was really weird, at least I felt like it was. 

For starters, my old friend and I had a tradition of saying happy birthday to each other exactly at midnight. It was something we did for years, and we've been friends since the 3rd grade. But last year was the first time she didn't do it for me, which kinda really hurt. I like staying up late to wish my friends happy birthday, which makes me happy to let my friends know that I remember and care about them. Pause, rewind, getting off track. But it hurt a bit when she didn't reach out, but now we don't speak because of a dumb high school thing she's upset about, she won't give me the time of day, but it's whatever.

That night I cried too. I sat up waiting to see if my few best friends would wish me a happy birthday, but nothing happened. In the morning, I didn't really wake up to a lot of birthday wishes from people I thought were my friends. 

Ok I gotta stop with the sad shit, see me not sleeping has it negatives lmao. There were goods, I went to Dave's and Buster's with my family and my one good friend. Bought home a Care Bear stuffie, Wish Bear to be exact. (ironic cuz birthday) I even had a cheeseburger cake, a cake that looked like a cheeseburger; it was good.

This year, I want a Mamma Mia-themed cake. I'm a big Mamma Mia fan, I think all my friends are sick and tired of me mentioning it. At this point, it's my comfort musical, and it makes me happy.

Imma stop writing before this turns into a depressing 10-page story, tho, until next time~