Internet Diary 38#

I'm doing better now 

I still woke up having that same feeling :p

I'm sorry for my last post, it was late and I was thinking about myself since I recently started to realize how real everything is starting to feel. 

Also it's been getting even more harder to feel comfortable people using she/her pronouns, my deadname, or even calling me a female. 

A couple days ago my grandma got me a new swim suit and when I tried the bottom part of the swim suit I felt uncomfortable and instead covered it with shorts that reminded me of what boys wear to go swimming. 

I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated everything about my bottom, I kept trying to tell myself that I'm okay and I'll be able to do something about that part of my body some day.

It just hurts me that everyone I know irl doesn't see me in the way I see and understand myself.

As the days goes by I feel like there is more to find out about me and I don't like it because I see people who have too much things about them as not real people. 

I honestly wish that I could not be a trans, pansexual, asexual person who deals with mental issues daily. 

At least with my mental issues I could try to find a way to get rid of it with therapy. 

Also I haven't been sure if I'm pansexual, I been finding the idea of dating appealing but when I do get into a relationship with someone I truly do care and love, that feeling of love and feeling of being wanted is gone entirely. 

I don't feel like I'm in love with my boyfriend right now and he has been doing everything a good boyfriend should do and I feel like the worst for not being able to feel love for him in the way a lover does. 

I think after Internet Diary 40# I'll stop with them for a bit, the only reason why I'm even writing these is too remember things that happen to me and to get opinions from people. 

I'll log off now for the day :3