glimmers.

it always comes back. no matter how hopeful or happy or motivated i get, it always comes back. it always comes back worse! it always hurts me more than the last time, because for once i thought i was fixed.

no matter how happy i get,

that thing is still on my mind every day.

no matter how hopeful i get,

my resources shoot me down every time i reach out.

no matter how motivated i get,

i'm still depressed.

that's just... who i am. 

i feel so alone.

no, i am. i am alone.

my mothers love is cold.

my siblings have forgotten about me.

everyone has forgotten about me.

and i'm left behind, so far behind, always so far behind, everything whirrs around me.

i feel so hopeless.

i doubt myself every day, every single day of my life, because of what she said to me all those years ago.

"nothing is enough for you. nothing will ever, ever be enough for you."

i don't have any joy for anything in my life. 

there isn't a single aspect of my life that's good- even fantasies eventually turn to horrors.

and i just don't have any drive to try!

...that's right. at the end of the day, i'm still depressed.

and it kind of hurts.

it kind of hurts me deep inside in a way you didn't know you could hurt.

it's a bit more agonizing every single day. and then an attempt sets the clock to zero.

how long does my life have to be this way, until...?

until...

until.

until.

just kill me already

i get what my brain was saying now

it always comes back worse because no matter how hopeful or happy or motivated i get,

I'm not cured.