depressed again yasssssss

today wasnt so so bad externally but internally why am i going through it hello ??????????? loloolololololo. my femininity is so fragile and my self perception is so chopped in my mind legit everyone hates me or is making fun of me constantly. esp since this past mothers day and this year in general ive been so envious of ppl w moms. like having a mom is such a gift yet a necessity and i feel like my gift was taken away so early. too early. i will never feel as clean or as pretty as anyone who has a mom. i genuinely dont think im even living on the same spectrum of everyone else i have deadass been just rawdogging and winging everything, copying what those around me do to pretend i dont lack the basics everyone else seems to have naturally. i even feel like this translates into my love life bcuz i geniunely feel too dirty (dirty is such a harsh word but i feel harsher) to ever be in a relationship with someone else. today i caught myself thinking about if i had to raise a son alone and how i legit would not be able to teach them anything about the world nor anything about themselves. but the worse part is, if i had a girl it would be the same case if not worse. i get that its everyones first time living but i feel like i missed out on orientation and i genuinely dont know how to do anything or how to live life as a girl. i so badly want to one day but ok or maybe even happy with myself but every time i catch myself enjoying life, a loud voice in my head or even the people around me remind me that im different and undeservingggg lopllllllllll. yes the smallest remarks from my peerrs and those around me have me up at 3am thinking about what went wrong in my raising (everything) and how i can never outgrow the shell or idea of a person that people around me give me. i know im onsecure but recently its been really bad lol as u can tell from the entry. im always thinking such bad thoughts at legit all times i so badly want to just feel good omfg. the day my thoughts lock in and stop telling me to kms is the day i get litttt ayeeee

till then

idfk leave me alone