lost.

I'll be honest, I have never really vented much to anyone. I have always been the therapist friend ever since I was about ten years old. I don't regret anything at all about it. I can proudly say that I have helped over 400 people get over mental health issues, such as depression, suicial thoughts, anxiety, etc. And I'd do it all over again without hesitation.

But my own feelings have been piling up recently, as they do every once in a blue moon. Tonight is one of those nights. I don't know why, but my heart both physically and mentally pains me, throbbing almost. The sleepless nights have gotten me irritable and worn out more and more often. Sleep paralysis, schizophrenia, somniphobia, and just exhaustion.

I feel like I'm being overly emotional. Am I? Perhaps so.

The migraines have gotten worse as well. There are days when I just don't want to wake up. I just want to stay in bed and sleep for all eternity. I know it sounds idiotic. "Why waste your life in bed?" One may ask. It is not the desire to do so that drives me, but the lack of will for anything else. 

I like it when it rains. It comforts me, especially in the dark. Midnight thunderstorms feel calming. I relate them to how I sometimes feel. Raging inside, yet hidden away most days, covered by the sunny rays in the blue sky. Never forgotten, only put to the side. 

I internally laugh at myself, seeing how I have written all of this. I ask myself if this is really what I'm devoting my time to right now. It seems ridiculous, if I am honest. Yet it feels right. 

And, if you're reading this and know me personally - which I know some of you do - I apologize. Not just for being somewhat irritable and rude when it's a bad day, but for not explaining. I'm not used to not being the understanding one. I never want to stop being that therapist friend, and I mean that. I don't feel lost at sea because of helping people with their issues. I feel lost because I don't feel like I understand myself enough.

But maybe this is your sign to check in on your therapist friend, too.