this perfect guy

i dont know how to start this but i have to get it out of my chest at least one in a while

(sorry for my bad english)

i met this guy when i was 17 fresh out of the mental hospital (i was there for a month) in a concert of a band i really like, i was with my dad and cousin because they both like it, and MY DAD told me "look, like the guys you like"

i saw him

at first i just though "he is kinda cute" and ask for his ig, he told me that he knew someone in the band and all that, he had this look in his eyes that still stay today, it was so... pure

we talked for a bit and then he left, i remember his tone that day, i remeber what he was wearing, i remember that he lookes like nothing wrong happened in his life (later he told me otherwise but we will get to that)

as soon i got home i texted him and he responded 2 days later, to this day he still answers like 6 hours later, but once in a full moon we hold conversations fo hours

i asked him everything about his life because i was dumb as fuck and VERY bad mentally so i needed someone to talk to

i wont share to many details about him because his friends (that i have been stalking a bit) look like they use this site and all that lol

he did not answer all my questions but the tiny crumbs that i had i wrote them down in my note pad, every game he played, every conversation topic he seem to like and his past, he just recently opened about his past and i am so sorry for him, but he seems happier in the life he has right now i think compared to the things he told me

the first time we met out of the concert i tried to look fem, mind you we are both male

he spoke softly, understanding every word, opened up a little and still had those eyes, god they drive me crazy, he seem to know everything with just the price of LOOKING IN THE DEPTHS OF YOUR SOUL

he liked his tea, then left

one day like 2 months after he texted me that after work he was getting donuts and asked if my best friend (and only) that was my neighbor wanted to come too, i ran, opened her door like it was my house and screamed "PUT ON SOME CLOTHES AND STOP PLAYING, WE ARE GETTING FREE DONUTS", i made her lost her ranked in valorant and she owed me a favour, so she came with me (i would feel sorry for her but she later messed with my family and friends, do you want the story?), when i saw him he looked different, i had to get used to that becaouse every day we meet he is a different person i swear, different humor, different tone but the same beautifull eyes

that day we talked a lot, about anime and stuff

he seemed so calm, god i want to tell you guys about everything he talks about but i really cant, even that he does not talk a lot

when he talks he lowers his head a bit, he is very tall but he speaks more in the y value than the x value, i dont know how to explain it but i swear its cute, trust me

i dont know the exact day i fell in love with him but it has to be around the time whe went to play board games, thanks to that day we started meeting a lot, like every month

that day of of summer he told me he had something for me and told me to close my eyes, my delulu ass was waiting for a kiss lol, but then he told me to open my hands and placed something like a book in them, it was a manga, but not any manga, the manga with my favorite scene of the whole anime, i told him just ONE TIME 1 month before, and he went to the only 2 stores that sell them in our city to find it, THEY ARE BOTH IN EACH CORNER OF THE CITY, HE WALKED, even bookedmarked the scene

i still get butterflies to this day because of it

he walked me home because it was very dark already, we spent the whole day playing games

he recomended videogames, animes and gives the best advice i cant hear even from my mom

i really wonder what his day looks like, what he does in his free time but its like 3 years to late to ask him about it, i wonder how he makes his coffee, how he talks to his sister, what topic he has with his college friends, what do you do in your little head man? what is going on behind that calm facade you seem to have, what makes you just the way you are

i really hope that one day you will tell me everything and it wont be enough, i want to know what is like beeing on your skin for a day, i know you see me like a child, like someone that doesnt know anything about life, someone lucky, but i swear if you just let me a bit of you i wont let it waste, i swear i will try to make you happy, so that dumb scream-laugh you have will never end

anyways i got carried away, the feeling of having him so close yet too far was getting on my nerves, so i asked him to reject me

i know its pretty dumb, and it was, because after he did nothing was the same anymore, he told me that he never felt that way about me, that i was confused, that love is getting to know someone

we didnt saw each other for like 9 months after that, tried to get over him, i just cant do i to this day

we play games to this day, i text him every few days, have a streak on tiktok of a year, and still feels so distant, i have him on delivered right now

i know i should do what everyone tells me to do, cut contact with him, delete him everywhere and keep going with my life, but i just cant

i cant imagine a life without his smile, without his deep conversations, without his passion for every little thing he does, without his laugh lighting up everywhere he goes, that weird look he makes when he is suspicious, him losing at every game we play, how he talks about his life that is now in the past, those spontaneus story times he drops at 8pm, i just love how he can see beauty in everything, he seems so secure with every decision he makes, he goes with ease after every embarrasing moment, he just brush it off

i dont know how someone can be so authentic, so genuine

he is so soft, i am not talking about his skin, just his personality and way of speaking

one day i am going to see him at the altar with the love of his life, smiling or even crying after seeing her, ready to spend his whole life with the woman he choose, maybe she is funnier, def prettier, she will love every flaw about him, ready to be his

and i will be sitting in a suit behind his friends, knowing that at 19 i could only hope that that girl right there was me

i hope that in another timeline you liked the pie i made for you, i hope that we were watching our nephews run in the yard while we speak meaningless topics, knowing that we have each other

how is your life going to look like? when will you get your degree? will you travel with your friends? will you make something for your sister when she graduates?

am i included in your future?

because you are in mine

again sorry for my bad english