worth being alive?

i've not been so well, it's so confusing being tied between a manic episode of being all energetic and loud yet having suicidal thoughts the next.

just yesterday i was enjoying getting into dean's list and all but as soon as i realized none of this will matter to my family who'll not hesitate to kill or kick me for being queer, it's like i go into autopilot and just be so down the whole day. it got worse.

shouldn't i be happy that i'm doing good in both studies and stuff? yet i'm constantly reminded that i'm dead either way. i feel like dying. sounds so much better than fearing for my life everyday.

i wish i can end it all soon.