life update, rambling, whatever is on my mind

I talked abt this on my tumblr some, but i feel as if socially I've regressed quite a bit. in the sense that, I'm not quite as outgoing, and my introverted nature has a hold on me akin to ivy on a brick wall; just creeping into all facets of my life. I was invited to a rager a week ago---that was on friday---and I didn't end up going in favour of sitting in my room playing animaljam and listening to nick drake. honestly, aside from the crippling fomo I felt initially, I don't regret my decision. after all, I'm invited to parties like that semi-regularly. also, I don't think I can handle being around people right now.

DID symptoms have been extremely bad. our ""host"" (I genuinely despise all modern language used to describe and label parts but i use it for clarity's sake---when i say "host" I really mean my most frequent "fronter") has for better or worse disappeared. through therapy, I've come to realize my "role" per se is as an ANP---"apparently normal part." I hold no memories of trauma, nor emotions surrounding them. i know of things that happened, though don't particularly care for them or feel anything about them. a survival necessity, of sorts. it's just been me, and our egg-headed protector, eide. two of the most raging bisexuals in a system primarily comprised of aromantics and lesbians. big whoop. i hate labels, personally, I don't really enjoy defining myself in any way. labels are often arbitrary, and serve very little purpose outside of, say, finding community. they don't typically tell you much about a person. when our host part came out as a lesbian to our friends and family I couldn't help but feel they put the rest of us in a box. I mean, we aren't all lesbians. I would say, I have a preference for women, sure, but I still like men. just less, ya feel me? idk, this is such a stupid rant. I suppose this is all to say, I really don't want to do them a social disservice and backtrack. but I still think the lesbian label is.... fairly misleading, if anything. we, at the end of the day, are not individuals, we belong to one brain, one body. a fractured whole, as they say. sometimes I wonder, when I cease to be myself, will we as a singular entity still identify as a lesbian? or anything we currently identify as? honestly, I think the only label with any true meaning is "aromantic." something that is intrinsically linked to my autism. whatever, this is a nothingburger rant. 

song of the week: Yodaka - Kinokoteikoku