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I have come to realize the irony in my attempts to "be myself." There is no "trying to be myself." You don't try. You just are. You wake up and exist in the world as yourself, and there is no thought that goes into it. I shouldn't have to try, I should just be. If I am trying, chances are I am avoiding truly aligning with my desires. I am rather good at that. I can convince myself of many things that go directly against personal evidence. It is especially easy when the conclusions I come to don't follow the larger agenda. I should definitely live for myself as long as it is still palatable for the people I seek validation from.
"Ignore the burning building," I scream aggressively, waving my hands around. "I'm doing it for me, so it's okay. I am trying to live for me, so it's okay." It's not okay. It is not okay.
It is not okay because, despite coming to clear conclusions about myself, the moment I am no longer in distress, I convince myself I don't feel that way. I convince myself that I was mistaken. I was screaming and crying, but of course, I was mistaken. Why would I believe anything else? Clearly, if I am feeling strong emotions surrounding the same thought, and I have the thought multiple times, it must be untrue, right? Then, I'll turn around and still attempt to sell myself this idea of "living for myself."
It's all a lie. It's hidden behind another face to sell me the same bullshit of trying to get someone to provide me with something they never have and never will. The warmth I so desperately crave will not come from them. That is a hard truth I must come to terms with.
Living for Myself
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francis, fran
two :
1. i have this idea of selfhood as the accumulation of masks that mold onto my actual face and at some point they meld together and there's no longer an "authentic" me in the same way there is no such thing as "authentic" original culture because i am just a cascading series of external influences stacked on top of some random genetic "me" from birth.
you don't have to *try* to "be yourself." yourself is (for better or for worse) whatever you currently are. you probably do have to try to like, change yourself in a chosen direction. or anything really. newtonian force lol
2. on my grad day my parents were arguing about where to eat and my aunt was like "it's your day, you can choose what you want to do." which was really a great analogy for my life because really the best option is always just to go along with my dad because he's ultimately the one who determines whether or not i am mildly anxious or extremely upset. obviously there i'm still thinking for myself (as seen in that last phrase of that last sentence), but other people make up the conditions that need to be satisfied.
to me, living for "myself" is really just choosing amongst a preset menu of varying terrible options. and also doing things that i have assigned meaning, like making music.