A kid again

"When bad things happen, I know you want to believe they are a joke, but sometimes life is scary and dark. That is why we must find the light."

Ever since I started being a pre-teen, I was surrounded by the worst advice on how to grow as a human being. I used to be a very nervous kid, mostly kept to myself, and I was so innocent—I literally didn't know anything. I remember myself getting into secondary school; I entered there knowing only about my video games and my stupid animated TV shows. That was really all I cared about. I never had many friends; usually, I could count them with the fingers on one hand, and they were as weird, imaginative, and unbothered as me.

So, when I got into secondary school, I wanted to befriend everyone. I was so excited to meet new people that I went around my class presenting myself to everyone I saw and extending my hand for a handshake.

By now, you should know how cruel, selfish, and apathetic high school teens are—but I didn't. I quickly became the weird kid no one wanted to talk to. You see, I was very interested in science when I was little (still am, but I’m not that big of a nerd for math, which is pretty connected to science and all), so I used to be very participative in all classes related to these subjects. Because of that, some kids started picking on me—even hitting me. Being marginalized was the best interaction I got from my peers.

All that stuff led to my mental health deteriorating, so my grades started being pretty shitty, to tell you the truth. My parents, of course, were mad at me for this reason. I remember my dad saying that my only obligation and problem was getting good grades—that was the only thing they cared about. If I didn’t, I was useless.

The bullying I received from my peers, combined with the neglect of my parents, taught me a terrible lesson: I am alone, and no one cares about me. I started doing shitty stuff to myself and treating people around me as objects. I was lost in vice, hanging out with anyone who’d want to—mostly unhinged people—and losing my sense of danger, authority, and responsibility.

Right now, all that is long gone, but the traces of that mindset linger in every thought I have. After all, that was how I learned to survive my situation. But I don’t live in that environment anymore; I don’t need to be alone, and I can trust people again. But it's like my brain just doesn’t get it.

I have to unlearn everything I learned in the last five years of my life. I have to learn that I’m not surrounded by an untrustworthy and hateful environment anymore. I have to learn how to be innocent, unbothered, and imaginative.

I have to learn how to be a kid again.