writing feelings no one will hear or see

My mom still havent gimme my phone, i dont have social midia and freedom to be myself...but shes not worst. The problem is: Shes just a person, and she is herself, herself doesnt like or let me do what i want. If i have no control of it, im just going to acept it n try to make her trust me again. These months , without the most 2 importent persons of my life, my bf and bestie, have been hard. its has always been, but without then its worst, because i feel even more lonely. they were real , real with me. they were theirselfs, and i love "theirselfs". <3 I will wait for them, my love wont fade, because they were the ones to show me how love is like, the first humans in this world that made me feel really loved. they mean so much to me. i was never good having friends or boyfriends and girlfriends, or any relationship. its always trouble, bc i am trouble. my feelings and toughts are too much for anyone to handle, im too much, even for myself. maybe thats why , maybe thats why, in that day outside, a good beautiful day, the sun and the clouds, people having fun...and i saw all of that, but couldnt feel it. i only felt the rain, the void. Maybe thats why in that day after seeing all of that i went to the bathroom after saying to my friend i would be back and  cut my wrist, but it felt different, because this time, i think i wanted to be gone. when i saw what i did, i freaked out. theres too people inside me, one so energetic and anxious, confident. the other, so depressed. but all of them are suicidal, problematic, all of them feel like a burden, someone who doesnt  deserve anything. i know im not "normal". i know it, in the deep of my heart, i can feel it. its not only bc of my problematic childhood, or family problems, its bc of everything, everything inside me. im different, and i wouldnt change it, becauses its just who i am. but,..who am i? i cannot trust myself. no one can. thats a sad truth, but im trying to be good to everyone, i am. how can i explain i dont want to touch someones hand bc im in so freaking agony " they probably didnt even washed their hands" and how can i explain all of the intrusive toughts? and why does my meds seen to not work totally? when, without them i cant even sleep almost. so many toughts. maybe they work, but they dont change me. thats okay...but, i just want to know, why am i like this? anyways...i miss the ones i love. i want to live my dreams. im tired of people. of everything. i dont want to be ungratefull...im listening to "Wake me up when september ends" and, if youre my bf or my bestfriend and youre reading this... i love you, and you took a part of me with you. i have a part of you w me too, so were never alone. but i still miss you. please take care